The United States of Monkey Robot Overlords

Monkey think, monkey do (Reuters)

Monkeys control a robot arm with thoughts (International Herald Tribune)

Monkeys control robots with their minds (CNN)

“Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.” (IHT)

World Almanac: 2018
United States

Britain’s American colonies broke with the mother country in 1776 and were recognized as the new nation of the United States of America following the Treaty of Paris in 1783. During the 19th and 20th centuries, 37 new states were added to the original 13 as the nation expanded across the North American continent and acquired a number of overseas possessions. Buoyed by victories in World Wars I and II and the end of the Cold War in 1991, the US was the world’s most powerful nation state until it was annihilated by an army of monkey robots in March 2009.

North America, bordering both the North Atlantic Ocean and the North Pacific Ocean, between Canada and Mexico

Natural hazards
Tsunamis, volcanoes, and earthquake activity around Pacific Basin; hurricanes along the Atlantic and Gulf coasts; tornadoes in the midwest and southeast; mud slides in California; forest fires in the west; laser-wielding platoons of monkey robots throughout

Air pollution resulting in acid rain; water pollution from runoff of pesticides and fertilizers; limited natural fresh water in much of the western part of the country requires careful management; impassible terrain caused by massive banana peel slippage

Population (Human)
412 (Jan. 2017 Est.)

Net migration rate
0 migrant(s)/1,000 population (2017 est.)

Life expectancy at birth
total population: 17.1 years
male: 15.5 years
female: 19.2 years (2017 est.)

Protestant 51.3%, Roman Catholic 23.9%, Mormon 1.7%, other Christian 1.6%, Jewish 1.7%, Buddhist 0.7%, Muslim 0.6%, other or unspecified 2.5%, unaffiliated 12.1%, Zaius Orthodox 9 %, none 4% (2017 est.)

English 82.1%, Spanish 10.7%, other Indo-European 3.8%, high-pitched shrieking 2.7%, other 0.7%

definition: age 15 and over can read and write
total population:
male: 42%
female: 44% (2017 est.)

Government type
Nomadic tribal

Rock Island, Ill. (AKA “Humanity’s Last Stand”)

4 July 1776 (from Great Britain)

Loss of Independence
12 March 2009 (to monkey robot junta)

First Constitution
17 September 1787 to 12 March 2009

Second (Current) Constitution
“Live together, die alone.”

Legal system
Federal court system based on English common law replaced with “eye for an eye”

Executive branch
Chief of state: The male who owns most bullets; currently Fred SHERMAN, former pro bass fishing champion

Legislative branch
Congress: All survivors ages 15 and older

Judicial branch
Supreme court: Three oldest members of the tribe; currently Sam PETERSON (24), Sue SHIN (22), Diego GALVEZ (22)

Political parties and leaders
Anti-Monkey Robot Party (Fred SHERMAN); Pro-Monkey Robot Alliance (Howard GREEN); Green Party (Kat LARSON)

Flag description
13 equal horizontal stripes of red (top and bottom) alternating with white; there is a blue rectangle in the upper hoist-side corner bearing a bloody monkey robot head on a pike; the bloody monkey robot head on a pike represents Americans’ desire to put every monkey robot head on a pike; the bloody monkey robot head on a pike design is the basis for every other flag on earth, save France

The US once had the largest and most technologically powerful economy in the world. It has since been replaced by tracking and bow hunting

Bananas, potable water and photos and music from “the before-time”

Smoke signals, tree markings, bloody monkey robot heads on a pike

All Americans over the age of 7 are required to serve in the military

International disputes
The illegal monkey robot junta that controls Washington, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston and the San Diego Zoo has waged perpetual war on India and Brazil, the world’s top banana-producing nations; 1990 Maritime Boundary Agreement in the Bering Sea still awaits Russian Duma ratification.

(To hear Mike, Carlos, Joe and Doug Driesel Jr. discuss “The United States of Robot Monkey Overlords” on The Second Column podcast on iTunes, click here. No iTunes? Click here.)

Joe Donatelli
Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles

    I’m not going to lie. This is one of the weirder things I have written. It’s a tad dark. Also, I love almanacs. Yes, I have problems.

  • silver

    Maybe they won’t kill us, maybe they’ll just make us pick tea for them.


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