The Personality Quiz

Do you have a personality? Let’s find out. Fill out and pass along to your friends. Be HONEST!

1. First name?

2. Where were you born?

3. Height?

4. Would you punch a baby in the face – hard, but non-fatally – if it ensured ten straight years of peace on earth?

5. Eye color?

6. Single or married?

7. What is your job?

8. What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done on the toilet?

9. College?

10. High school?

11. Coke or Pepsi?

12. If your worst enemy was on fire across the street, and you had a bucket of water, would you be like, “Is my worst enemy testing me with this scenario? He really should have thought this through, because my hobbies happen to include collecting buckets of water, and this one’s a keeper.”

13. Vanilla or chocolate?

14. McDonald’s or Burger King?

15. Starbucks or Coffee Bean?

16. If a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, does that make tandem bicycles the homosexuals of pedal-powered transportation? It would explain the baskets and streamers, plus all of the gentrified city neighborhoods lined with tandem-bike bars and leather shops.

17. First crush?

18. First kiss?

19. First BF or GF?

20. What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

21. Lefty or righty?

22. Best physical feature?

23. Best sport?

24. Brain or jock?

25. Is George W. Bush a great man? Or a great president? Choose only one or two.

26. Favorite author?

27. Do you think we’d all like our feet so much if we called them by the function they perform – shoe rapists?

28. Favorite section of the bookstore?

29. Favorite movie quote?

30. The 2011 Academy Award for Best Picture will go to a movie called what?

31. Coffee or tea?

32: TV or online videos?

33. Best use of absence? To make the heart grow fonder? Or to create attention-starved children who eventually seek personal validation via the entertainment industry and crack us up weekly on whip-smart sitcoms?

34. Jamaica or Hawaii?

35. What are the odds that Google will be assassinated by an out-of-work reference librarian? I say 2-to-1.

36. Bananas or non-bananas?

37. Hotel, motel or Holiday Inn? Say what?

38. Best college mascot?

39. Favorite part of the world that ends in –potamia?

40. Do you think anyone has ever said, “Carl, we will always have Canada.” Then Carl says, “Damn you, Ellen, it wasn’t Canada, it was us. We were alive, just for a moment of time, in Winnipeg.”

41: Best qualification for a dog walker?

42: Fastest athlete on earth?

43: What is the best use of physics? To create modern conveniences? Or to explain the laws of the universe? There is no wrong answer, but there are three right answers, and one of them, when spoken aloud, opens a portal to a nether-dimension, but it’s not much of a nether-dimension, it’s kind of the Wheaton, Maryland of nether-dimensions. There’s probably a Sbarro there, and not much else.

44: Favorite SNL sketch?

45: Am I the only person in America who would watch a TV show called “My Husband, Wife and Kids”? Who else needs to see this happen? I see a John Laroquette-type as the Husband.

46: Porno or overactive imagination? (Note: Your overactive imagination can include a wa-wa guitar.)

47: Simpsons from the 1990s or South Park right now?

48: Laughter or the best medicine as prescribed by your medically-trained doctor?

49: Do you like your politicians scandalous or foible-filled?

50: What would make you happier? Knowing there is a heaven? Or knowing there is a fun slide that leads from your front door to an ice cream parlor. Now keep in mind, with the fun slide, you have to provide your own sliding sack. So there are some things to consider here.

Congratulations! You have a personality. Copy, paste and pass along to friends!

Special thanks to Dr. Daniel Green Genes Jr. for question ideas.

Joe Donatelli
Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles

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