The 24 things you see at Adultcon

In the name of journalism and journalism alone, I attended Adultcon 18 in Los Angeles this weekend at the Los Angeles Convention Center. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Adultcon is an adult entertainment fan fair and lifestyle expo. How best to properly explain it? Adultcon is like Comic-Con, except somehow with more virgins. I went with my buddy Los from The Second Column podcast. It was a nice trip. We were identified as perverts, I hit on an adult film star and I saw Ron Jeremy give a girl the Butler. Good times.

The following is a photo gallery of 24 things I saw at Adultcon…

Warning: Not Safe for Work – contains some nudity and other adult content

1. Half-Naked Women

What would a porn convention be without porn stars? Sadly, no stars were present, but many of the actresses who want to be stars were more than happy to have their photos taken. You know how in the movies, when the protagonist is arrested and the press descend on him outside the courtroom in a mad scrum? That’s what this was like, if the scrum was fat guys in T-shirts who smelled like they had been drinking in their cars.

2. Poor Signage

What lady could resist the allure of paying $30 to wrap her loins around a mechanical penis advertised with a sign that was printed at Kinkos in haste? Apparently, all of them.

3. Snake Oil

The problem with small-breasted women is that they don’t chew the right gum.

4. Latin News Crews

Los translated this interview for me. It went something like this.

Female journalist: How do you like it here?

Man in blue shirt: It is fun, but my wife does not know I am here.

Then the guy made this face…

5. Women Who Should Not Be In Porn

Her hand is shaking up and down because she is saying, “I-can’t-believe-I’m-in-porn-I-can’t-believe-I’m-in-porn-I-can’t-believe-I’m-in-porn-I-can’t-believe-I’m-in-porn!”

6. Great Mother’s Day Gifts

Sorry to spoil the surprise, mom. Hope you like tacky shit.

7. Intimate Body Pillows

From what I could gather, these are pillows with photos of porn stars on them. It’s almost like sleeping next to a live, human girl.

8. Snookie?

Seriously … Snookie?

OK, this has nothing to do with Snookie. Downtown LA was hopping on Friday night. Not only was Adultcon in full swing, but Michael Buble was playing Staples Center next door. As Los and I were trying to find the entrance to the convention center, a biker dude, his woman and a security guard all told told us, without prompting, that we were going the wrong way. They knew we were going to Adultcon just by looking at us. Why didn’t they think we were going to the Michael Buble concert? Which raises the question – is it better to appear pervy or gay? I have to go with gay. Gays tend to dress well and are usually in decent shape and women like being around them. No one invites the pervy guy for mimosas.

9. Non-Cleveland Sports Memorabilia

Nary a Ryan Pontbriand autographed helmet to be found. Best. Long-snapper. Ever. Go Browns.

10. Dudes In Wheelchairs

A lot of them.

11. Girls You Might Have Gone To High School With And…

… Girls You Definitely Did Not Go To High School With

12. These Boots

I don’t know what these boots are called, but all women should wear them all the time.

13. Clever Marketing

Yes, Hair Force One comes with a tuft of hair on the cover. I later took it over to the Brazilian waxing station to do what had to be done.

14. Officer Dangle From Reno 911

You fellas have the right to remain gay.

(Does actor Tom Lennon know this guy has stolen his look? Or did Lennon steal Dangle’s look from the world of porn? Classic chicken-egg scenario.)

15. The Best Weekend Of This Wedding DJ’s Life

“Did you like that Lady Gaga song? Awesome. Because our next 18 songs are all Lady Gaga songs!”

16. Failed Attempts At Camouflaging Cleavage

Even Saddam Hussein’s pathetic Republican Guard could have located those giant knockers, lady.

17. Fat Guys With Awesome Cameras

Fact: The fatter the guy, the awesomer his camera.

18. Pasties

Remove those pasties and what she is doing is illegal. Please e-mail me if that makes any sense. Other nonsense: no exchanging bodily fluids (OK, that is just common sense), no blood play (I should hope not), no alcohol (boo!), no smoking (fine), no flammable liquids (why even go then?) and, for some reason, no soft drink beverages from outside vendors. Because … an orgy might break out? I don’t get it.

19. Japanese Tourists

In all fairness, this could be anywhere in LA.

20. The 420 Girls

Hot chicks who smoke pot. Dudes love these ladies. Had one of them pulled out a Nintendo DS we would have had a full-on riot on our hands.

21. 3-D Porn

Like this perv-o, I also tried on the 3D glasses. It was like being in the same room as other people having sex. So, it was like freshman year or college.

22. Ron Jeremy

Check out the four dudes standing in awe. No, Jeremy’s fly was not down. And yes, he really did Butler a girl in full view of everyone. It was the girl he is looking at to his left in the white skirt.

23. Allie Haze

Allie Haze is a budding adult film star. I had never heard of her before the convention, but she was by far the cutest girl there. Total sweetheart. We had this surreal exchange at her booth.

Joe: Hi. I’d like to get a photo with you.

One of the three bouncers in the booth: For $20 you get a DVD, an autographed photo and a picture with Allie.

Joe: That’s good value.

Allie: It is good value!

Joe: I’ll take it. Allie, which DVD do you recommend? Which one is the best one?

Allie: Do you like Boy-Girl or Girl-Girl?

Joe: Uh … Boy-Girl.

Allie: This one (“CEOs and Office Hos”) is my favorite. I also like this one. (Picks up “Big Oiled Asses 3.”) Just so you know, there’s no anal in it. I don’t do anal.

Joe: You don’t have a big ass.

Allie turns around.

Allie: Yes, I do.

Joe: I live in a world of normal people. That’s not a big ass. (It wasn’t. Trust me.)

Allie: Do you want some candy? (Offers me a bowl of candy. I take a piece.)

Joe: Thank you.

Allie: Some girls have been coming up and just taking the candy without asking. I’m like, “Bitch, at least give me a kiss.”

Joe: Yeah, I totally hear you.

Allie: How do you want your name spelled? J-o or J-o-e?

Joe: (Laughing) Do a lot of guys spell it J-o? Or are you asking because we are in California where people name their kids after prescription medicines?

Allie: You never want to offend anyone.

Joe: J-O-E.

Allie: Twitter me. I’m on Twitter. Bye, Joe.

So … I’m pretty sure she wanted me.

24. The Sexiest Woman In The World

This is from an exhibition called Food Area, where I bought a roast beef sandwich and a Diet Coke. Do not be fooled. This may not look like porn to the discerning eye, but it is my experience that there is nothing sexier than a woman making me a sandwich. The line for this booth was often 15 deep with both men and women, making it by far the most popular and profitable of all the exhibits.

I eagerly await you, Adultcon 19.

UPDATE: I attended AdultCon 19 and put together this photo gallery.

Share