Last October I published a column entitled Robots cannot love. In the column I wrote about how people are forming emotional attachments to their Roomba vacuum cleaners. I tried to contact iRobot to get a comment for the story, but the company’s media relations department denied my request. One of the lines of questioning I wanted to ask - which I wound up publishing in my column in lieu of an interview - was this:

“Just so we are clear, the settings on the Roomba do NOT include Human Extinction or Global Domination. Is that correct? Could one order the Global Domination setting optional? Maybe I’m a military strongman and I’m building an army of robots. Would it be possible to launch a division of Roombas to vacuum my opponents while I hid three miles beneath the earth in my secret futuristic-looking lair?”

It turns out the answer to that question looks like yes. (And now you can see why they didn’t want to talk to me.)

 According to a recent article on the British tech Web site The Register, iRobot has sold two Warrior X700 battle bots to the development wing of the U.S. Army.

The article says:

The machine warriors can carry almost any payload up to 150lb or so, on a unique sliding fore-and-aft platform which lets them maintain their balance going over obstacles, up stairs etc. An iRobot Warrior can be fitted with various kinds of grappler arms, bomb-disposal gear, hazardous-materials kit and so on.

But iRobot also specifies that the machine is good for “building clearance”, “SWAT” or other “Weaponised Missions”. Company literature (pdf) shows the droid fitted with a “Metal Storm” quad-barrel superimposed grenade launcher, able to spurt out sixteen 40mm frag warheads in a fraction of a second.

Yes, the U.S. Army could soon deploy robots with grenade launchers. All of which reminds me of a great quote from a Simpsons episode in which Bart and Lisa graduate from a military academy. The commandant closed his commencement speech with this prediction:

“The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear:  To build and maintain those robots. Thank you.”

I have a bad feeling humans will one day refer to 2008 as The Before Time. 

Thanks to Jeff Y. for sending me the link.

Reader Jeff Yoders has alerted me to a report that iRobot, maker of the Roomba, is creating “chembots” that are capable of morphing in size. Such shapeshifting would allow robots to slip between cracks and under doors. The project is being funded by DARPA, which conducts advanced research for the U.S. military.

I think we all know how this ends.

I have already tackled the question of whether or not these chembots will have the ability to love here.

Once again, man’s use of reason and force will be called upon to defeat an unfeeling killing machine hellbent on human destruction. Only this time it will have been descended from a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks to both Kelly and Sean for sending me the link to this article from a woman who would rather marry a robot than a man.

I think it’s pretty clear. I need to switch the focus of my site from general interest humor to robot humor. I’d be a fool not to.

My nonstop coverage of the robot issue continues with this article on a study that says toddlers bond with robots.

Now they are making Roombas into killing machines. The Onion is all over this story. Thanks to Yoders and Jordan for sending the links.

As if that’s not enough, my friend Dave has created his own apology robot.

Check out joedonatelli.com for all your latest robot coverage.