(Note: This column originally was published in Brides magazine. Photos are from the actual wedding.)

When Holly and Jason asked me to be in their wedding, I immediately said yes. Then they asked if I would perform the ceremony.

“Is it legal?”

“It is,” Holly said.

“I’m in.”

I am not a priest. I am not a judge. I am not a ship captain, although I often wear short-sleeve dress shirts with gold stripes on the shoulder boards. But with a little paper wrangling and oath-swearing I could legally marry two amazing friends.

The truth is, I would have done it if it was illegal. I would have done it if the wedding took place on the moon. How often do you get a chance like this? I would get to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a priest and a judge and a captain of a cruise ship that’s home to romantic and comedic adventures. Father O’Malley Stubing, I would call myself.

To officiate a wedding in California you must go to the county clerk’s office, sign a few papers, pay a fee and swear an oath. Picture this scene. A man – me – stands at the front desk in a government office. Two feet to the left of this man – still me – is a line of people waiting to file property transactions. A woman – not me – asks this man – now it’s me again – to raise his right hand and repeat after her. “I swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the State of California against all enemies, foreign and domestic.”

I discovered that when you officiate a wedding ceremony in Orange County, California, you are a representative of the government. If King George III’s band of redcoats marched down Interstate 5 during the reception, it would be up to me to grab my musket and organize a proper defense – probably behind the conga line.

When I had completed the paperwork and sworn the oath, I was designated a “Deputy Commissioner of Marriage.” I was given authority to marry Holly and Jason within county lines on a specified date, provided I did not receive compensation. As far as the state of California was concerned, the wedding was nice and legal. What’s more, a certain General Cornwallis would think twice before crashing the reception.

Among Holly and Jason’s friends, I was uniquely qualified to perform the ceremony. I am a writer. I perform improvisational and sketch comedy. I spent eight years earning baseball card money as an altar boy serving Catholic wedding masses. Also, my parents have always wanted one of their sons to become a priest. In a way, this was Holly and Jason’s big day. But in an even bigger way, this was my parents’ big day.

(Above: Mike and Carlos, of The Second Column podcast fame, think about what an awesome job I did officiating the ceremony.)

I met with Holly and Jason a few months before their wedding. They selected friends and family to perform readings and play music. They would write their own vows. The rest they would leave to me. They wanted to be a little surprised on their wedding day—a day they had been planning meticulously for more than a year.

I thought that was romantic.

I have always been dismayed by the banal nature of wedding homilies. It’s such a wasted opportunity to share the story of the couple. Your guests will include bored spouses, cousins who aren’t sure how they’re related to you and your parents’ friends who have been invited because they invited your parents to a wedding in 1986. Sharing the story of the relationship gives everyone a sense of ownership. If your goal is to make the guests feel like they are part of the celebration, let them know in detail why they’re there.

Holly and Jason were standing at the altar because they were strong enough to make a long distance Chicago–LA relationship work. The 100-plus guests seated in the brick courtyard laughed and shed a few tears as I told them about the day Jason proposed to Holly near the ocean at Dana Point, the magical role that tequila played the night they met and Holly’s belief that real love isn’t chocolates and diamonds; it’s when your boyfriend hands you flowers and a cold Diet Coke after you’ve just stepped off a 16-hour flight from Asia.

(Above: The wedding ceremony took place in black and white. The bride insisted.)

After the vows and rings were exchanged, I was ready to say the words the county clerk’s office had empowered me to say: “By the authority vested in me by the state of California, county of Orange, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

Holly and Jason were happy with the ceremony and the family and friends – many of whom questioned the lack of clergy – came around. Any of my own small doubts were erased when Jason’s grandmother put her arm around me and thanked “the priest” by buying me several whiskey shots at the bar.

I guess you could call that compensation, but not a single Hessian mercenary laid a single dirty finger on the Constitution that day. I say we call it even.

(To hear Sean, Mike, Carlos, comedian Jeff Sloniker and me talk about this column on The Second Column podcast on iTunes, click here.)

It says so right here. Thanks to Mr. Thomas for sending in the article, which details how humans and robots will begin having sex within five years and marrying within 50 years.

So many questions:

Is it cheating if it’s with a robot? How is that different than a woman’s “marital aid?”

Can two robots marry legally?

Can a man marry a male robot that looks exactly like him? Is that gay?

What will become of prostitutes?

Will the Roomba get jealous?

Who will build the first rape-able Hitler robot?

My head is going to explode.

Have you “had it” with looking for “the right person” to spend the rest “of” your life with? Are you tired of watching “American Idol” alone while your roommate goes to her boyfriend’s house to watch him play video games? Do you feel the sudden, inexplicable urge to buy a cat, or cats?

Then we’ve got the solution for you.

Welcome to the “First Annual Spring Guide to Finding Love for People Who Don’t Want to Die Alone.” Consider this handy article your first step to a life filled with the permanent enjoyment of temporary fulfillment.

(Cue the sad piano.)

It’s a fact of life. Every day in this country thousands of people die alone.

Let’s face it. Most of them deserve to.

If they were better people, they would have found someone. Clearly there was something massively wrong with them.

So say a team of scientists in silky pink smocks at the University of Romance in Loveland, Colo., who recently determined that most singles suffer from the same flaw that’s keeping our space shuttle grounded _ high standards.

The solution?

(Cue the “Deep Thoughts” music from “Saturday Night Live.”)

Guideline No. 1: Lower your standards

If modern intellectuals have taught us anything _ and they haven’t _ it’s that compromising your values is a surefire path to happiness. Remember how you wanted to be a baseball player as a kid? And now you work for a PR firm that does work with a minor league team? That worked out great. You’re as happy as Derek Jeter, right?

Take our advice. Don’t look for someone smarter than you _ look for someone who’s not stupid. Don’t look for someone ambitious _ look for someone who’s gunning straight for the middle and intends to stay there. Don’t look for your lifelong best friend _ look for someone you don’t mind seeing a movie with.

Marriages are built on such compromises. And even though I haven’t checked the statistics for the last 40 years, I’m pretty darn sure most marriages still turn out all right.

And that leads us to our next rule.

(Cue “Here Comes the Bride.”)

Guideline No. 2: Set an arbitrary age to get married by (and stick to it)

This guideline only SEEMS insane. Ignore the little voice in your head that says, “But what if you haven’t met the right person by then?” That little voice wants you to be single because that little voice eats the part of your brain that tries to think of pickup lines at bars. We hate that little voice.

Tell yourself, “I’m going to be married by the time I’m 30.” If you’re dating someone when you’re 29, that person is your spouse!

Don’t let little things like lack of communication, arguments over money or rampant infidelity get in the way of your goal. Ignore friends who think you’re making a mistake. They’re not proactive like you are. Keep your eyes on the prize.

And there’s only one way to land the kind of psychopath who will gladly go along with such a plan.

(Cue the porno music.)

Guideline No. 3: Sleep with everyone

We can’t stress this enough. Casual sex is a great way to meet new people. Don’t be fooled by people who tell you this is a mistake. Try and sleep with those people. It’s the right thing to do.

(Cue “Amazing Grace.”)

Think about it. Do you really want to die alone? Wouldn’t you much rather leave a grief-stricken spouse behind, someone who’s so overwrought with pain that his or her life without you is a living hell? Come on, the choice is obvious.

(Originally published 4/21/04.)

Click here to read the previous column “Halt the Spread of Time Banditry.”

If you have a comment, e-mail me at joedonatellicolumn@gmail.com.

In a stunningly unprecedented turn of events, research has managed the once unthinkable. It has proved men correct on an issue of vast social significance — marriage.

I’ll admit it. As a gender we were wrong on the not letting women vote thing. Same with sexual harassment. Now that we think about it — bad idea. And we’re still apologizing for the XFL.

But according to a report authored by Richard E. Lucas of Michigan State University in the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,” our ages-old argument that marriage will not improve our lives now appears legitimate.

Marriage, as many of you know, is the phase of life that begins when two people publicly profess their love for each other in front of family and bored co-workers. The bride wears a very expensive gown she will never wear again. Oddly, the groom’s clothes are rented.

Afterward there is a reception where the best man’s struggle to remain coherent leads to the following toast: “Of all the chicks Todd hooked up with, and there were lots, I always thought Jody was the hottest. I think it’s cool she’s a bridesmaid. That could have been awkward. To a cool couple. Burp!”

After the guests inhale breaded chicken and green beans with slivered almonds, a DJ plays “It Takes Two,” “Celebrate,” “The Chicken Dance” and the same 60 songs you hear at every reception.

Hours later the best man wakes up on the hood of his Buick LeSabre in a Denny’s parking lot. He reaches in his pocket for his keys but pulls out a breaded chicken cutlet. To his dismay, it does not fit in the ignition.

The next day the happy couple flies as far from their families as they can afford.

Thus concludes the happiest day of their lives together.

For good reason, men have long debated the value of marriage, though never eloquently. Until this report, our strongest argument against betrothal was, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”

(Upon further reflection, that statement is entirely inappropriate. I would like to apologize to bovines everywhere for dragging you into our species’ inter-gender squabble. It was a poor analogy on our part.)

The cow is nature’s slutty whore. Always giving it away.

With this report, which I’ll go out on a limb and call the most important document since the Constitution, men finally have official confirmation that marriage will not improve our lives. The report found that most married couples experienced brief emotional bliss after their weddings but eventually returned to the same outlook they had on life while they were dating.

In other words, marriage is like Fruit Stripe gum. For 10 seconds, your taste buds are treated to a crack-like euphoria. But the more you chew, the more it tastes like your mouth before you started.

The report also says that people who were happy with themselves before marriage were still happy after tying the knot and stayed married longer. For people who were not happy before they wed, marriage did not make them happier.

So, if I’m interpreting this correctly, the only couples that should marry are the ones who are so happy they would stay together whether or not they ever walked down the aisle. It is only when neither person needs marriage that it actually works.

I have to say, that sounds way better than comparing your would-be fiancee to a certain animal (apologies, again) that gives away certain dairy-type products free.

(Originally published 3/31/03.)

Click here to read the newest column.

If you have a comment, e-mail me at joedonatellicolumn@gmail.com.