This column was rejected by one of the publications for which I write. I won’t get into the reason why, other than to say it had nothing to do with the quality of the piece. Rather than let this sit on my C: drive forever, I thought I would share it on my site. It’s not funny - but it’s true. - Joe

A look at the real cost of smoking
By JOE DONATELLI
 
Are you a regular cigarette smoker? By regular I mean you smoke after you wake up. You smoke in the car. You smoke on break. You smoke at lunch. You smoke after dinner. You smoke when you drink. You can’t quit. You are addicted.

Here’s the part where you expect me to say, “Smoking is bad. You shouldn’t smoke. It will kill you.” I’m not going to say that. You’re a grown-up. You know that already. What I am going to share with you is the short-term economic cost of your decision to smoke.

These figures were calculated using a tool at  www.womenshealth.gov/quitsmoking/tools/calc.cfm.

10 cigarettes per day at $3.00 a pack for one year: $547.50

* For $547.50 you can fill a 15-gallon gas tank with $4.75-a-gallon gas 7.7 times. That’s “free” gas for two months if you fill up once a week.

* For $547.50 you can fly roundtrip from Los Angeles to Honolulu on Northwest Airlines this October and still have enough money to buy the first round of Mai Tais at the hotel bar.

* For $547.50 you can buy a 16-gigabyte iPhone for yourself and an eight-gigabyte iPhone for someone you love.

10 cigarettes per day at $3.00 a pack for 10 years: $5,475.00

* For $5,475 the median household can pay off its credit card debt of $1,900 and still have $3,575 to invest in a Roth or traditional IRA.

* For $5,475 you can fly first class from Los Angeles to Paris roundtrip in October on Continental and still have $1,630 for shopping on the famed Avenue Montaigne.

* For $5,475 you can buy a Pioneer 50-inch high-definition plasma flat-screen television from Best Buy.

10 cigarettes per day at $3.00 a pack for 30 years: $16,425

* Investing $547.50 a year for 30 years – or $16,425 total – in stocks, indexes or mutual funds that yield an average of 10 percent annually would net you – with compound interest – $108,620 after 30 years.

* For $16,425 you could buy a Harley Davidson Dyna Street Bob. You also could buy a Mini Cooper that requires only $2,275 financing.

* For $16,425 a state resident can purchase a four-year education at California State University-Los Angeles for his or her child and still have $3,097 for books and transportation.

If you’re struggling to quit smoking, try this. In addition to whatever program you are using – the patch, cold turkey, etc. – take whatever amount of money you spent on cigarettes per week and throw it in a jar. When you get discouraged, go to your jar and make a withdrawal. Go see a movie. Invest in your future. Buy a gift for someone.

Having a tangible record of your battle might lessen your burden. As might the prospect of sipping Mai Tais in Hawaii.

Stunning news from the world of science - the same family of chemicals that helps marijuana smokers catch a buzz might also be responsible for “runner’s high,” the joyful feeling that some people experience when they exercise.

Researchers from the Georgia Institute of Technology and the University of California Irvine spent three weeks following Phish around the Midwest in a rainbow-colored bus inside which they smoked an ounce of kind bud a day and scrawled their findings on the inside of an empty case of Old Milwaukee.

Kidding! It was a twelver of Natural Light.

According to Reuters, researchers studied 24 men who biked or jogged for 45 minutes and found that they produced high levels of anandamide. Anandamide is a cannabinoid, which is a naturally occurring chemical that produces sensations similar to those of THC, the psychoactive substance in marijuana.

“No other study has ever considered this possibility, which is why the results are significant,” said a researcher, forgetting to add, “We were lying on the hood of my El Camino staring at the moon - it was about to crash on us - when we came up with the cannabinoid theory. Cannabinoid is a funny word. It has noid in it. Avoid the Noid.”

Traditional media have yet to pick up on this story - and it’s no wonder. To accept this study as true is to conclude that:

- All joggers are stoners.

Or:

- All stoners are joggers who just happen to dislike the running part of their favorite pastime.

Now some of you might be saying: “Stop right there! Joggers aren’t stoners. Joggers are healthy people.”

Are they healthy? Or are they simply addicted to Sweet Lady J-O-G?

Consider:

I’ve known joggers who woke at 4:30 a.m. to run. I’ve never met a stoner who rose that early to do anything.

Most joggers indulge once a day or several times a week - often during their lunch hours. In my experience, most marijuana smokers only toke up on weekends or social occasions - and they never miss lunch.

Since 1980, the number of runners finishing marathons has increased 400 percent. Between 1979 and 2001 the percentage of high school seniors who have smoked marijuana has decreased 11.4 percent.

Let’s not forget that Presidents Clinton and Bush - two guys known to Blutarsky a keg or two out the window in their wilder days - are both avid joggers.

And most telling of all:

Thirty-four million Americans run at least once a year. Twelve million Americans smoke weed.

These kids are high off their asses on jogging. Just look at their clothes.

Need I go on?

If this study is true, jogging is the most commonly used illicit drug in the United States today - not marijuana.

And why not? It has all the classic drug traits.

Like most drugs, there are countless street terms for this vice: “run,” “jog,” “train,” “cross train,” “sprint,” “steeplechase.”

Worse, many experts see jogging as a gateway sport into even more intense, cannabinoid-rich athletic endeavors, such as marathons, soccer, swimming, iron man competitions, Tour de France, extreme fishing.

One can only conclude that unless we take steps towards legalizing marijuana, the only fair thing to do at this point is to make jogging illegal.

What’s that, Mr. Jogger Man? Afraid the government might ban your favorite activity because it alters a few chemicals in your brain? Are you so addicted to the Big J that the mere thought of such a notion makes you angry? Get a grip, man. You’re starting to act paranoid.

Oh, wait, I forgot.

You’re probably just stoned out of your gourd on steeplechase.

(Originally published 1/15/04.)

Click here to read the previous column “The Case Against Marriage.”

If you have a comment, e-mail me at joedonatellicolumn@gmail.com.