Yes. Yes, we are. So say I in this Made Man article entitled Men Are More Romantic Than Women.

I combine two of my favorite pastimes - improvisational comedy and trying to convince women to sleep with me - in the Made Man article Improv Dating Tips.

Hello, all. Quick update: I am writing for a men’s lifestyle Web site called Made Man. Check out my latest piece on speed-dating tips for men. I still plan to write the occasional Joe Donatelli column in this space, but - and this has been the plan all along - I am now getting paid to write about many of the same topics I used to write about for free. I will provide links when I do so.

Happy holidays!

MSN.com recently published a piece entitled Guys: 10 First-Date Fumbles by Lori Gottlieb. I admire the article’s restraint (only 10?), tone (benevolence) and goal (to cure stupidity.) My only complaint was that it was not accompanied by a sidebar that helps the ladies avoid first-date landmines.

No need to assign a writer, MSN.com. I got this one.

I present to you ten ways that a woman can blow (please allow me to finish) a date (there was no classy way to land that).

10. Check your phone. You know everything you need to know about a person one hour into the first date. Whether you acknowledge this information determines your happiness in the relationship. I call this the One-Hour Rule. If you check texts or voicemails in our presence, we will wonder what other horrors lay ahead.

9. Say you do not drink. If you are a recovering alcoholic, or the child of an alcoholic or do not drink for medical reasons, we will understand. Otherwise, telling us that you choose not to drink leads us to ask, “What is wrong with you?” We will either conclude 1.) You used to be into some crazy shit 2.) You are no fun. There is no in-between.

8. Blow the (please allow me to finish) silence test (finally, a classy landing). At some point conversation will stop. If you are cool with it, if you can hold eye contact and enjoy the moment, and smile, we will find you incredibly sexy. It could even become The Moment, that magical instance when a man decides, “This is the only woman who will yell at me for the rest of my life.”

7. Refuse to bust balls. Play to win. Don’t play not to lose. If I order in Spanish at a French restaurant, call me out. If I am from Cleveland and you are from Pittsburgh, note our football rivalry and mock me openly. If you are not having fun on the first date, when does the fun start? (My apologies for sounding like Dave Coulier in the second half of the last sentence.)

6. Brag about being “brutally honest.” First of all, brutal honesty is not a virtue. It simply means you are too lazy to edit your thoughts in my company. Secondly, pure brutal honesty does not exist except in Jim Carrey movies. A person who is brutally honest all of the time would have no friends or job. The irony? Anyone who claims to be a brutally honest person is telling a lie. A “brutally honest” person is selectively honest like the rest of us - brutally honest with some but not with others.

5. Go on a hunger strike. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am overweight and am looking for an enabler, but I like a girl with an appetite. It shows she enjoys life. It also shows she is not harboring an eating disorder that will explode our relationship in six months.

(The woman of my dreams? Photo by Randy Son of Robert/Flickr.)

4. Ask too many questions. When I was 19, I thought that being asked many questions was flattering. She wants to know more about me, I would sigh in italics. At 33, and I fully admit this opinion has been informed by my improv training, I now think being asked too many questions means you have nothing interesting to say.

3. Bring the drama. Do not go negative. Leave the drama at home. You have the rest of our relationship to slowly erode the enjoyment of your company.

2. Wonder aloud when the waiter will bring the bill. This happened to me recently. Next time just punch me in the balls. It would be less painful.

1. Deny the kiss. If you had a bad time, by all means wrap things up and be on your way. If you hit it off, do not leave us hanging because you do not kiss on the first date. If you have a rule in your crazy brain about denying yourself joy, I will (See: One-Hour Rule) wonder what other horrors lay ahead.

All of these foibles, of course, can be overcome by the right woman. Except No. 2. Never do that to someone. I would almost rather you set my car on fire.

(Photo by juhansonin/Flickr)

The American economy is a shitty mess. To borrow comedian Kevin Ford’s patented joke-telling style, the American economy is such a mess, Nadya Suleman’s diaper hamper is like, “Wow, the American economy is a big, shitty mess.”
 
This is how bad things are. I have to rely on the stylings of America’s last vaudeville standup, (also a frequent guest on my podcast), to accurately describe the state of the country because the normal rules no longer apply.

All crises produce dire side effects. The war in Iraq drew militants from all over the Middle East. The Katrina disaster raised the price of gas throughout the country. The Real World: Brooklyn has a nation of men wondering if they ever accidentally made out with a post-op dude in a bar.

I fear our current economic crisis, and the continued loss of wealth in this country, are having dire side effects on the nation’s romantic life.

These are facts. Men are attracted to hot women. Women are attracted to men with money. Individual tastes vary, but those two preferences hold true in studies.

This is no reason to be cynical. Women have every right to desire a high quality of life for themselves and their offspring. Men, for their part, eventually tune their wives out, so they might as well have something nice to stare at while the wife is on mute. It is a win-win combination.

Here is the problem. If the economy is not growing, if wages are stagnating, if opportunities are few, how will women find the men who will give them the De Beers commercial lifestyle they desire?

When men are not making good money it throws the entire dating world off its axis.

This explains, among other things, why our fathers’ rules of gentlemanly courtship no longer apply.

LiveScience.com’s Jeanna Bryner writes that body language reveals a lot about wealth status. Psychologists Michael Kraus and Dacher Keltner of the University of California videotaped undergrads talking to each other for the first time. The researchers looked for gestures that indicated interest.

“They found that students whose parents were from higher socioeconomic status (SES) backgrounds engaged in more of what he called ‘impolite’ behaviors, such as grooming, doodling and fidgeting. Lower SES students showed more ‘I’m interested’ gestures, including laughter and raising of the eyebrows.

“Like a peacock’s tail, the seemingly snooty gestures of higher SES students indicates modern society’s version of ‘I’m fit,’ and ‘I don’t need you.’”

This explains the rise in pickup artistry such as The Mystery Method. Wages began stagnating in the 1970s. How do men compensate for lack of wealth? We project it. The Mystery Method basically teaches men to act like, “I don’t need you.” It teaches guys to act rich and discourages “I’m interested” poor guy gestures.

Bad government policies damage the economy. A damaged economy depresses wages. Depressed wages mean men have less of what women want – strong earning power. Perhaps the shitty economy explains the explosion of cocky men in feather boas

hitting on women in bars.