UPDATE: I have stopped adding links to new funny columns to this page as of March 2012. Not because I want to deny the world of laughter, but because I have started posting them all here.
I also write about sports, business, politics and men’s lifestyle. You can check out those pieces on the articles page.
A few of my favorites
4 Evolutionary Explanations for Modern Annoyances (Cracked)
New and Improved Employee Self-Evaluation Form
How to build Ikea furniture — drink heavily (Guyism)
I blame my fiancee for this engagement photo (Salon)
Can you ride a scooter and still be a man? (Made Man)
Party small-talk topics for guys (The Good Men Project)
Bachelordom ends in olive oil tasting room (Made Man)
Holy Taco vs. The Foot-Long Burger (Holy Taco)
A trip to see the worst movie ever made (These Fries Are Good)
How to spot a towering mediocrity (The Humor Columnist)
How to officiate a wedding ceremony (Brides)
The War on Drugs starts at Foot Locker (Scripps Howard)
Disco dopes (Scripps Howard)
Friends and lovers (Scripps Howard)
Kids Table Manifesto (Scripps Howard)
2012
Wine saves marriages and vice-versa (The Humor Columnist)
My favorite foods are foods that taste like other foods (Guyism)
What to do if you’re white and you suddenly realize your karaoke song has the n-word in it (The Humor Columnist)
For my brother Dan, for when he writes a character based on me in one of his books (The Humor Columnist)
Heavy mayo, or the greatest thing I have seen in L.A. (Hypervocal)
How to build Ikea furniture — drink heavily (Guyism)
I was told I saw gray whales (The Humor Columnist)
7 ways beer and wine will change Starbucks (Guyism)
Joe Biden has the San Francisco Giants on the brain (The Humor Columnist)
Why gay marriage is good for straight men (Guyism)
5 lesser-known Downton Abbey characters (The Humor Columnist)
This guy watched The Batchelor so you will never have to (The Humor Columnist)
Pre-Cana (The Humor Columnist)
How to tell if someone is a towering mediocrity (The Humor Columnist)
Mitt Romney’s underwear problem
Why men love waitresses (Funny or Die)
4 Evolutionary Explanations for Modern Annoyances (Cracked)
2011
Death to the adults table at Thanksgiving
Honeymoon in Italy Part 1: Fondle My Wife, Please
Honeymoon in Italy Part 2: Driving in Italy
Honeymoon in Italy Part 3: The Americans Have Arrived
Honeymoon in Italy Part 4: Travel Fighting
Honeymoon in Italy Part 5: Hide Your Money
Honeymoon in Italy Part 6: Vespa Tour of Tuscany
Can you ride a scooter and still be a man? (Made Man)
I blame my fiancee for this engagement photo (Salon)
Elaborately staged pictures are yet another ridiculous, overblown wedding trend. And yes, ours are awesome
The Joint Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Test (Made Man)
Thinking about throwing one? Take this test!
Party small-talk topics for guys (The Good Men Project)
A how-to on conversing with strangers at parties you don’t want to be at
How to build Ikea furniture: Drink heavily
Beer, then whiskey, then back to beer, then go to the bar
My review of Peepshow at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas
It was not without its charms, and by charms I mean breasts
Joe and Jen’s engagement photo shoot
A photographer repeatedly puts our lives in danger
Caviar Tasting
I finally learned how to eat caviar correctly. Next time, no Frank’s RedHot sauce.
Blake Griffin dunks, hits three, sells shirt (Made Man)
The tiger was too small (Made Man)
The story of my first Beverly Hills mansion party. There was a tiger there.
NFL pre-game shows are putrid (Made Man)
Bachelordom ends in olive oil tasting room (Made Man)
2010
Crashing Hugh Hefner’s bachelor party (Made Man)
A modest proposal to Hugh Hefner that we should have a joint bachelor party.
Teachable moments in Las Vegas
I went to Las Vegas to watch basketball and put little boys in their place.
A review of products for bald men
I saw The Room in Hollywood, and it was both horrible and awesome
How I scored an interview with Huey Lewis and the News drummer Bill Gibson
The 25 saddest things you see at AdultCon (Holy Taco)
Huey Lewis & The News, a Soulsville release date and The Power of Love
My review of the Huey Lewis & The News concert at Harrah’s Rincon Casino.
Deer Creek State Park Review
My review of one of my favorite vacation destinations
Disneyland is no place for children
Tells the story of my first trip to Disneyland. Involves jorts.
Carl’s Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger Review
A poor idea, wonderfully executed.
(This piece also ran on Holy Taco.)
Game 7 Lakers: Downtown Los Angeles during Lakers’ game 7 win
The Lakers won. I ate pudding. And a dog rode a skateboard down the street. My complete report.
Intimate Body Pillow review
A very nice company sent me two body pillows to review. One sexy. One not-so-sexy.
My sensory deprivation experience
My teeny-tiny sort-of-LSD trip.
The 24 things you see at Adultcon
Yes, Ron Jeremy is one of them.
Men Are More Romantic Than Women (Made Man)
It’s true. I have science to back up this overly-broad generalization.
The White Castle Valentine’s Day dinner (Made Man)
How does White Castle stack up against Spago Beverly Hills as a Valentine’s Day destination? (Surprisingly well)
Why gay marriage would be good for straight men
Improv dating tips (Made Man)
‘Yes-and’ your way to her heart
Marriage makes women fat
Men, on the other hand, have no excuse.
2009
Speed-dating tips (Made Man)
The five emotions you experience after your home is robbed
Go get her
The greatest love story ever told … on this Web site
The Angry Whopper is not angry, it is misunderstood
While technically not a column, by far one of my most popular posts.
2008
Viva la wah: Why is Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin so sad?
If only I lived in New Hampshire (Dipdive)
Why my vote in the biggest election of my lifetime did not matter.
In opposition to the Open Door Policy
Please keep your ‘lemonade and iced tea’ to yourself
Lies, deception and betrayal at Trader Joe’s
Speech! Speech! Speech!
My party theory on why Obama is destined to win the election
Flavonoid Behavior Theory
My theory on why attractive people are boring
My big TV debut
Two seconds of glory on The History Channel
What a bunch of boobs
Virginia Beach police fail to show any imagination in obscenity case
The birds and the birds
Introduces the Lowell Hypothesis – all girls are crazy and all guys just want to get laid
How to officiate a wedding ceremony
Article originally published in Brides magazine
Is America ready?
Is America ready for an Italian president? The answer, clearly, was no.
2007
The kids’ table manifesto
A reprint of the classic Scripps Howard column.
The best holiday
Ranks the 10 best holidays. Flag Day remains Arbor Day’s bitch.
Robots cannot love
The column that sparked my fascination with robots.
Business hammocks for all
The birth of the controversial Toilet Nap.
Fans, let’s do this again soon (Ohio Today)
Column about attending Ohio University’s first bowl game since 1968.
2004
Karaoke crimes (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Short people got no reason to date (TCPalm)
The war on drugs starts at Foot Locker (Cannibis News)
Calling all couples: Take the airport test (Chicago Sun-Times – login required)
If you can spend all morning in an airport with the one you love and conquer the labyrinth of modern air travel with grace and excellence, you have passed The Airport Test.
2003
Disco dopes (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
What happens when one man accidentally dances with another man
Commercial causes wingman strategy to crash (Naples Daily News)
Still single? You’re not alone (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Where have all the good men gone?
Scripps Howard humor column on why it is hard to find a good man. (They are all on mom’s couch.)
A tall order (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on spam and being short. (I connect the two. I swear.)
The state of the date (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Definition of a date (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Smile, brother, smile (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Why the pursuit of happiness is worthwhile
Nightclubs still hold the same offbeat characters (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Bald new world (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard News Service humor column on the trend of men shaving their heads.
Puppy practice (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Column on practicing parenthood on a dog
It’s August! Time to take a vacation (Chicago Sun-Times, login required)
The case against commitment (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Friends and lovers (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on what happens one man tells another man he loves him.
2002
Love and airports (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
‘The airport test’
The spruce truce (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
What time of the year is perfect for dumping someone
Kids Table Manifesto (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Don’t play it straight (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
How acting gay can get you women.
My battle with the 12-minute mile (Fine Living)