Sean apologizes for being a chauvinist jerk

(Above: Sean Kearney – Class A Jerk)

Here is the full text of Sean Kearney’s apology to our female listeners. You can also hear an abreviated version of this 15 minutes into the “Kids in the Hall” The Second Column podcast, which will be posted Sunday.

Greetings Listeners,

As most of you are probably aware of, last week on this very podcast, I, Sean Kearney, made some comments that many interpreted as being disrespectful, and frankly dishonest, about the female listenership of this excellent show. Now the comments that were made by myself in no way were meant to incite such a misogynistic interpretation, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry not for the comments I made, but instead for the fact that you, the average listener /E-mailer, misinterpreted the words that I spoke.

Now before you write another enraged email, let me finish. I don’t blame you Joe (or Jane) listener, for in this age of YouTubes, iPhotos, and cordless telephones, oftentimes the only thing a person knows about a specific incident is culled from soundbites taken out of context, and frankly, out of control.

While I enjoy technology as much as the next hip young “Walkman”, I think that much like in the film “I, Robot,” maybe we have gone a little too far. While most people heard my comments and wondered aloud, “Why would he say such a thing?” I asked myself the more difficult question: “Why was someone recording me while I said such a thing?” You see, without the help of a microphone, a computer, and especially, the Internet, my comments could not have been so quickly and easily disseminated to so many people, with such haste. So before you leap to judgment, remember, I only provided the bullets, it was iTunes that shot you with them.

But I still think that it is important that I address the comments I made, and how you the listener misinterpreted and misunderstood them. For those of you who didn’t listen to last week’s podcast, and decided to read this apology rather than listen to the podcast right now, we were discussing the way in which men are drawn to waitresses, and I made a few comments that insinuated that attractive females, and attractive female waitresses for that matter, don’t regularly listen to our show.

Now while the comments that you have surely been hearing every day on loop, on a variety of Web sites, including the Mrs. Donatelli site, and The Daily Carlos, paint me as an evil woman-hating demon, the truth of the matter is that what I was trying to relay, albeit rather poorly, was a self-deprecating joke at the expense of myself and the fellow podcast members. Essentially I was trying to portray us as lonely, nerdy, and, well I think I’ll use lonely again here, guys who in lieu of partying hard, and hitting on women would rather spend our Friday nights in a cold library with a bottle of Keystone Light, talking about gardening with Mike Costantini. And recording it. That was my only intention with my comments, self-deprecation. And while I believe my comments may have been misconstrued, and taken out of context, I believe that, in context, the overall message of self-deprecation is an important one, and I stand by it.

Self-deprecation is an important skill to us not just as comedians, but as people as well, because self-deprecating humor is a way for us to remind those around us that we are still human, full of faults and shortcomings. Self-deprecation reminds those around us that we aren’t perfect, and we don’t pretend to be, all while letting others no it’s OK to laugh at us. Self-deprecation is like humility, if humility was funny.

I can no more disown my self-deprecating comments than I can disown the entire career of Rodney Dangerfield, one of the finest self-deprecating comedians of our time. I can no more disown my comments than I can disown my own self-deprecating uncle, an uncle who loved me, who took me on fishing trips, and gave me my first beer, but an uncle who once confessed that our family’s Irish heritage had cursed us with small penises, in order to make a joke at what he thought was just his own expense. These people, and their comments are a part of me, and a part of a larger tradition of self-deprecation and a complete lack of ego or arrogance that I love.

And it is for these humble people, who want nothing more than to expose their own inadequacies to make others smile, that I will continue to make fun of myself.

I think it is important to mention that while I completely stand by my comments, I do believe that I did misspeak when I assumed that all attractive women are waitresses, though I do have an incredibly hot waitress girlfriend, I believe that attractive women come from all different types of career paths, and I would like to offer up a list of ten different beautiful women, complete with ten different, non-waitress jobs.

1. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – Archeologist
2. Danica Patrick – Driver
3. I think her name was Candy, or Destiny – “Dancer”
4. Woman at the Macy’s where I buy my pants – Retail
5. Drew Barrymore – Child Star (Not when she was a child, but now. Well, maybe not as much now, how about mid to late 90s?)
6. Mariah Carey – Fucking Insane
7. Jessica Simpson – I have no idea what she does anymore
8. Rogue from X-Men (Not the actress from the movie, the character)
9. Twenty-something I saw yesterday in a Mustang on the 101 – Don’t know for sure, but I imagined she was a stripper/secret government agent
10. Everyone who read this letter – Various (This is a shameless attempt to win back your respect)

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