So, you’re considering hiring Joe Donatelli for a job? Good. Mr. Donatelli, a journalist, is “under-employed,” which means freelancing from home and walking his dog 15 times a day. He has applied for many positions that (his words) he “would rock.”
In order to branch beyond cover letters and résumés and generate some real heat in his job search, Mr. Donatelli now includes a link to this post in the cover letters he sends to potential employers. He does this in order to show off his online publishing bona fides and provide recruiters a deeper look at both the employee and the man. This is The Joe Donatelli Workplace Code of Ethics.
He’s very good
OK, it should probably go without saying that he’s very good, but it sounds like bragging in a cover letter to say “I’m very good.” Your company probably has hired very bad employees in the past. Joe would not be one of those, because, as we’ve stated here, and forgive us for beating a dead horse, he’s very good.
He will not steal from your company
Pens, copy machines, profits — you name it. Joe Donatelli will not steal from your company. This is something he likes to call The Joe Donatelli Promise. If something is stolen while Joe is employed at your company, your best bet will be to start questioning any employee who has not made The Joe Donatelli Promise.
He will never show up to work drunk
Joe is not, after all, an airline pilot.
He will not lose $1 billion of the corporation’s money because he is R.A.D.
Unlike certain former politicians from New Jersey, Joe has never lost more than $20 of his own or anyone else’s money. When it comes to Joe, clients are never left wondering what happened to their entire life savings. Responsible. Accountable. Dependable. In a word, Joe Donatelli is R.A.D.
He will not sexually harass the female employees
Joe is married and he and his wife have agreed to a strict “no shenanigans” policy.
He will not stink up the office refrigerator
Joe never leaves sandwiches or Chinese food in the office fridge for more than 24 hours.
He will never burn popcorn in the office microwave
Joe knows that when there is more than one second between pops, it’s time to stop.
He will never put the company’s most secret information on Wikileaks
Joe doesn’t even know how to get on Wikileaks.
He will play for the company softball team
Joe can bat virtually anywhere in the lineup and has experience playing third base, shortstop and outfield. He will join the team for beers after games and with those beers he will eat BBQ chicken wings.
He will not partake in office gossip
Joe doesn’t know who has slept together at your company. More importantly, he doesn’t want to know. He just wants to get home every day without any knowledge of what his coworkers do when they’re naked.
He will not exceed the $15 Secret Santa limit
Joe doesn’t believe in making himself look good by making others look bad.
He will buy Girl Scout cookies from your daughters
Joe will buy the Thin Mints, which he refrigerates immediately.
If you have any more questions or want to make Joe a job offer RIGHT NOW, email Joe at contactjoed (at) gmail.com. Thank you and happy hunting to all of the recruiters out there.