New and Improved Employee Self-Evaluation Form: How to get honest answers from employees (for once)

Hi. Human Resources hobbyist Joe Donatelli here. The end of the year is approaching and if you work for a company you might find yourself up for your annual review soon. The employee self-evaluation form, in which an employee grades his or her own performance, has long been a staple of such reviews, providing employers with a useless snapshot of employee performance while giving employees an opportunity to lie, exaggerate and obfuscate on a level only a congressman can properly appreciate.

Here’s a thought.

Why not tweak the dreaded employee self-evaluation?

And why not start by framing the questions in a manner that takes into account the way employees actually answer questions about themselves? It would save everyone a lot of time! It could look something like this…

JD Industries                                                 Employee Performance 

Self-Evaluation

Employee Name: _____________________________________________________________________

Employee Title: ______________________________________________________________________

Supervisor: ______________________________________________________________________

Hire Date: __________

Review Date: ________

1. Job Knowledge: Please confidently state in the space below that you have acquired all of the skills necessary to do your job with aplomb. Note your ability to keep current in your specific field, how little supervision you require and your overall understanding of how the job relates to other personnel in the organization, specifically your supervisor and the senior executive with whom he browns his nose. Surround your comments with stars, if necessary.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

2. Productivity: Humbly let us know that you complete all assignments in a timely manner. Include an example of a task you intentionally under-promised and over-delivered on recently, the memory of which will still be fresh in your supervisor’s head. Close with a comment about how the whole organization would be a little more productive on Tuesday mornings if Monday Night Football didn’t run so late, gosh-darn-it-all.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

3. Communication Skills: Brag about your ability to communicate concepts as complicated as Einstein’s Theory of Relativity via one single PowerPoint slide. Give an example of a time you listened to something your supervisor said and repeat that thing he or she said in the space below. Mention what an asset you are in external communication with clients; do not mention your desire to work for one of these clients.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

4. Teamwork: Explain how you have helped build a positive team environment by occasionally bringing donuts to work. Give an example of a time when you valued team success over individual interests, but do not mention that pointing this out negates the altruistic nature of the act. Bring up that nice thing you did for the intern once.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

5. Quality of Work: List all of the innovative solutions you have implemented over the last 12 months and pepper the list with the words synergy, stakeholders, tiger team, vertical market, game-changing app, leverage and deliverable. Follow up by thanking your supervisor for giving you the autonomy to complete all of the tasks he pushes off on you.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

6. Dependability: Recall the big project that was entrusted to you with a few months ago. Remind your supervisor that you were up against it, the deadline was looming, the client was antsy, the product was untested, the breaks were beating the boys, and through the fog of doubt you emerged, a little bloody, a little battered, but completely victorious with a new product that has now changed the American economy completely.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

7. Leadership: If no one reports directly to you, say that you lead by example and that your Ripken-ian work ethic rubs off on those around you. If you have direct reports, then explain – in detail – how you tell them to do things and then they do those things. Mention that you take (attractive) new employees of the opposite sex to welcome lunches; don’t mention that they’re attractive employees of the opposite sex.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Check one:

__ Excellent

__ Magnificent

__ Superb

__ Marvelous

__ Extraordinary

List three goals you would like to accomplish in the coming year.

1. (This should be a goal that will please your supervisor)

2. (This should be a goal that will look good on your résumé)

3. (This should be a hollow, feel-good gesture that will not improve the company’s bottom line but makes the company look good from a PR standpoint)

Thank you and let’s have a great 2012, drone!

 

Joe Donatelli is a journalist in Los Angeles and the author of “Full Griswold: Stories from a Honeymoon in Italy.” Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

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