Remember metrosexuals? They were those gay-looking guys who weren’t gay. Sure, their hair was gay. Their clothes were gay. They spent their free time doing gay things. But at the end of the day they went home to their short-haired, boyishly slim girlfriends. So clearly they were not gay.
It turns out the metrosexual reign of terror is over.
The new word you’re going to hear about in men’s fashion is “menergy.”
How do I know you’re going to hear it?
I’ve read about it in The New York Times.
I’ve read about it in the New York Daily News.
I’ve read about it in the Los Angeles Times.
I’ve even read about it in the Noblesville (Ind.) Daily Times.
(You know a trend has arrived when it makes a splash in Noblesville, Ind. Remember when people started wearing Crocs? That was Noblesville. Remember when people stopped cuffing their pants? You can thank the Noblesville High School Class of 1991 for making it un-cool. Remember when people started mixing cocaine and heroin and started doing speedballs? Again, that was the pride of Hamilton County, Ind., good old Noblesville.)
What is menergy?
Menergy is manliness.
David Beckham is metrosexual.
A bearded George Clooney has menergy.
Ryan Seacrest is metrosexual.
Benicio Del Toro has menergy.
Bill Clinton is metrosexual.
Hillary Clinton has menergy.
(OK, it’s a punch line. But seriously, in a bar fight, who do you take? Hillary or Dennis Kucinich? Hillary or Mike Gravel? Hillary or the ultimate tag team of irrelevance Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd? I like Hillary in every one of those match-ups. I also think that if she concentrated hard enough she could make John Edwards explode just by staring at him, like the U.S. Army tried with all those goats.)
Fashion expert Robert Verdi calls menergy “a return to real men.” Hirsute good looks, beards, whiskers, deep voices, 5 o’clock shadows, scotch and colognes that smell like coniferous forests are all in right now.
Here’s my prediction. Getting punched in the face will be this year’s must-have fashion accessory. If you’re not getting punched in the face like a man, you can take it somewhere else, Sally. If someone breaks a chair over your head while you’re drinking Pabst in a Manhattan bar, crazy bathroom sex is in your immediate future. I have no doubt that right now Dolce & Gabbana is shooting a series of ads centered around Burt Reynolds running away from an exploding office building in slow motion.
I welcome our new menergy era for two reasons.
1. There will be an unspoken competition to see who can come up with the cleverest menergy headline and this will entertain me.
Department of Menergy (Men’s Fitness article on how to look more manly)
Alternative Menergy (Rolling Stone article on the popularity of bands like Nickleback)
Menergy Efficiency (Wall Street Journal article praising the return of the manly man)
Menergy Crisis (Cosmo article on the return of the caveman)
Menergy Drinks (bartender.com article on the manliest drinks)
Burst of Menergy (Out – you can come up with your own damn article idea for this one)
2. I also like that we are now well into the Combining Two Words Together To Make a New Word Era. Or as I like to call it, Smashwording.
I’ll coin a few right now.
Single women who never marry but play an active role in the lives of their nieces and nephews: Indeparents (Independent + Parent)
Men who continue sowing their oats well into their 40s before they finally marry and have children: Cadaddy (Cad + Daddy)
Younger men and women who return to tradition and get married right after college: The iDo Generation (iTunes + I Do)
Super-smart babies who can read by age 2: Einstykes (Einstein + Tykes)
Sexually promiscuous senior citizens: Pimpma and (Pimp + Grandma) and Pimppa (Pimp + Grandpa)
I can keep going, but this would turn into a New York Times trend piece, and you do not want that.
In conclusion, Peru is a land shrouded in mystery, from the ancient Incans to the outstretched Andes mountains…
I’m sorry. Any time I write the words “In conclusion,” I want to follow it up with an eighth grade oral report.
In conclusion, “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” is not just the story of one girl’s search for religion; it’s symbolic of mankind’s spiritual quest and mankind’s confusion about sanitary napkins.
OK. This one’s for real.
In conclusion, I encourage you all to welcome the menergy era. It is time for men to be men again. I am in favor of this change because I do not have any hair on my head so I cannot be a metrosexual. Anything that toughens up the male ideal of what is cool works for me. If you see me in a Manhattan bar drinking Pabst, please break a chair over my head.
To read last week’s column Fun With Research click here.