Letter: ‘I hate Joe Donatelli and his fancy-pants blog’

Note: I live for letters like this one. Enjoy.

– Joe

Dear Joe,

Life had been going pretty well for me this year. In fact, 2008 was possibly my best year ever.

That was all until I opened JoeDonatelli.com on November 13th. Joe immediately knows what I’m talking about. For the rest of you, it was this entry, titled “How will The Shield end?”

About two years ago, my brother told me about that show. I watched the first season, thought it was pretty cool, but then moved to L.A. and had other things to do.

But then November 13th happened. And Joe, so infatuated with this TV series, convinced me to catch up with it so that I could see for myself how it would end and if any of Joe’s picks would be remotely close to accurate.

And so it began: the last month and a half spent wasting loads of free time watching every single episode to this hateful TV drama filled with negative energy. And I got hooked. Bad.

The more I watched, the more addicted I became. The more addicted I became, the more my life began to unravel. I started losing sleep due to dreams of Claudette Whims and Vic Mackey interrogating me. My blood pressure and pulse rate rose. Work projects suffered. I trusted no one. Social contacts were dropped. I had two of the most miserable, sleep-deprived workouts of my life. I even turned down a Saturday night of easy sex to stay in and watch two more episodes (that and this new protein powder I’d been sampling gave me the most awful gas of my entire life.)  I even considered finding Lt. Kavanaugh and killing him myself. I would never prescribe this much police drama to anybody, even one of JoeDonatelli.com’s family members.

To make matters worse, on the morning of my birthday, I watched my favorite character get blown to pieces by a hand grenade. I nearly lost it.

All in all, I envision that I destroyed about 60 hours of quality time due to JoeDonatelli.com – time that could have been spent working with customers, marketing the Web site, reading useful business books or god forbid having sex. Instead, I watched spiteful, deceit-filled drama until I either fell asleep or snapped at my roommate for breathing the same air as me.

But finally, on the night of Christmas day 2008, I made it. I watched The Shield up to the last episode. I went straight to the now-hated JoeDonatelli.com and found his post from November 13th. I agreed with none of his ten predictions, and muttered “what an asshole” under my breath.

And then I watched the final episode, and had the same contemplative reaction as just about everyone else did. And I went back onto JoeDonatelli.com to read his final review and noted that the pick he gave 1,000,000-to-1 odds was the closest one to coming true! What an asshole indeed.

I’ll continue to read JoeDonatelli.com in the important matters of dating (warming up your sets), the misery of being from Cleveland, and the massive differences between Marina Del Rey, CA, and Santa Monica, CA, (which when thinking about while in Cleveland right now seem quite miniscule). But when it comes to popular culture and media, I will gladly pass.

Now, your typical JoeDonatelli.com writer would probably say, (in some nasally and insulting writer voice that shows poignant indignation), “Well that proves what a great show it was. It was so well-written that you were drawn in and it affected your life, never to be the same again.”

To which I say, “Fuck you, JoeDonatelli.com, fuck you.”

– Mike, of PricePlow, Los Angeles

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