It's GOOP: Make


(Photo by philos from athens/Flickr.)

Following up on this column, I would like to share the top of Gwyneth’s GOOP e-mail newsletter on how to eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner, you fat bastards.

(My comments are in italics and parenthesis.)

“This week brings easy, delicious, healthy options for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I absolutely love these buckwheat and banana pancakes, which I came up with when making breakfast for a friend who doesn’t eat eggs or dairy and doesn’t love wheat. (Who is your friend and why does he hate America?) I like the challenge of making super healthy food that doesn’t taste like it belongs in California in the 1970s. (What does that mean? It doesn’t taste like Buttermaker’s hat from the Bad News Bears?) If my son likes them, then anyone will like them! (Ah, your son is Mikey. Got it.) The quick tuna sandwich makes a satisfying lunch and the soy-mayo spread really makes it sing. (Sing? Even though it’s about to be devoured by joyless vegetarians, the quick tuna sandwich’s lyrics can’t be any more depressing than Coldplay’s.) The chicken dinner is so easy it’s ridiculous. (Who actually wrote this? Tracy Morgan? Come on. This is ridiculous, Liz Lemon.) Just make sure your pantry is stocked with fish sauce and rice vinegar from the Asian market – they add incredible depth of flavor, it will taste like you have been slaving all day. (Our Confederate friends will be pleased to know that slaving, once again, is in vogue.) If you only buy one organic item, it should be the chicken. (I have been saying this for years, people.) Cook with love! Make it great! (Or don’t. But try to. Just make sure something is nourished. It’s GOOP, yo.)

Best e-mail newsletter ever. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

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Joe Donatelli
Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles
  • Abby the Great

    I prefer blue. And that Gwyneth Paltrow really needs a good round of bitch slaps…and to be forced to eat a steak cut out of the side of live cow as she is forced to watch.

  • Joe Donatelli

    Abby — your loathing of all things phony surpasses even mine. If you had been my longtime student and I was your teacher, this is the part where I would say, while a night wind blows and the moon appears from behind a cloud, “The student has become the master…” And then I would hand you my grandfather’s sword and we would go looking for that cow together.

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