If The Wire was a football team

(Above: Halfback Avon Barksdale, known for evading defenders and police.)

My love of The Wire knows no rational bounds. This started as an e-mail with my buddy Sean and quickly spiraled out of control. Note: the football team format was inspired (stolen) from my brother Dan’s Facebook note All-Time Animal Football Team.


Quarterback Russell “Stringer” Bell: The consummate play-caller
Halfback Avon Barksdale: Runs wild, yet shows discipline within the Bell offense
Fullback Dennis “Cutty” Wise: Boxers make good fullbacks
Wide receiver Leander Sydnor: Emerging leader in the locker room
Wide receiver Slim Charles: A Plaxico-like player, in every single way
Tight end Nick Sabotka: Total blue-collar guy
Tackle Howard “Bunny” Colvin:

Off the line quickly, always one step ahead
Guard Ervin Burrell: Obsessed with job security
Center Jay Landsman: Big body on the line, big porn collection in the locker room
Guard Roland “Wee-Bey” Brice: Most likely to go “Last Boy Scout” during a game
“Proposition Joe” Stewart: Ability to both block and reason with defenders

(Above: Middle linebacker Jimmy McNulty, known for sticking his nose where it does not belong.)

Defensive end Sergei “Serge” Malotov: Literally rips the quarterback’s head off
Defensive tackle William “Bunk” Moreland: Throwback to Namath’s hungover playing style
Defensive end Frank Sabotka: Wily veteran, lots of heart
Outside linebacker Thomas “Herc” Hauc: Likes busting heads
Middle linebacker Jimmy McNulty: Defensive captain, heart and soul of team
Middle linebacker Kima Greggs: Toughest player on the team
Outside linebacker Chris Partlow: Leaves opposing running backs in the vacants
Cornerback Preston “Bodie” Broadus: Unlike KW2, he is an actual soldier
Cornerback Ellis Carver: Gets smarter every season
Safety Marlo Stanfield: Generates turnovers, just takes and takes and takes
Safety Omar Little: So popular, “Farmer in the Dell” makes Jock Jams 2009 

Punter Tommy Carcetti: Crime problem? Let the next punter handle it
Kicker Roland Pryzbylewski: Chosen solely for his mega-ethnic last name
Kick returner D’Angelo Barksdale: Gets caught too often to start on offense
Punt returner Michael Lee: The kid is going to be dangerous someday

Owner Clay Davis: Shee-it, who else was going to raise money for the stadium?
General manager Cedric Daniels: Eight Crazy Nights psp Great personnel guy
Head coach Lester Freamon: Tony Dungy-type, except he lives with an ex-stripper

Sweet and Lowdown hd
Joe Donatelli
Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles
  • Sue Donatelli

    Why isn’t Felica (?) listed on the team. You know who I mean, the one who kept killing people and putting them in the boarded up houses. She deserves to be on this team.

  • Joe Donatelli

    Ha. She was Snoop. Thought about it. Was not sure where to put her. It does not help that it took me two seasons to figure out what sex she was.


Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: