Guest columnist: Dr. Success

(Joe’s note: I am taking most of the month of August off from the column. I am traveling, visiting family and attending a wedding. While I’m gone a few of my friends have volunteered to guest-write The Joe Donatelli Column. They are all very talented people and I hope you enjoy their work. This week the author – who asked that his name not be shared – writes under a pseudonym. A very humble pseudonym. I will resume writing the column  next week.)

I’m an NFL quarterback – now what?
By Dr. Success, of Success Doctor LLC

There comes a time in most people’s lives when they realize that they are the starting quarterback of their favorite NFL team. It’s a heady moment, and it’s easy to get carried away. But if you’re like me, after a few days you’ll recover from your hangover and find that the glitzy lifestyle you dreamed about is a little, well, lacking. I have good news for you. You’re not alone! Millions of NFL quarterbacks have gone through the same issues you’re dealing with and you’re going to be OK. You know why? It’s because you’re a go-getter, a doer! And what is the No. 1 way for a doer to get over the super-success blues? You keep on doing!

It’s time to start looking for the next big challenge in your life and there’s no time to lose. You’ve got to find that next hurdle and run toward it like a crazy person before you grow bored and lazy. Becoming bored and lazy is simply not in your best interests.

Because your best interests are our business, we here at Now What? Industries have compiled a list of options for you quarterbacks out there who aren’t sure what’s next on your respective horizons. They’re not only fun and interesting, they’re also practical and sometimes even poignant. So give them a perusing. You maybe won’t regret it.

(Above: Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer does whatever it takes to keep the NFL interesting. James Carr/flickr.)

1) Find a Trophy Wife
The first thing you’re going to want to do now that you’ve got a contract worth millions of dollars, not to mention five guys whose job is to protect your body professionally, is find a hottie to get you through the tough times. “What tough times?” you’re probably asking. “I’m set for life!” And you’d definitely be correct in thinking that. However, as an NFL quarterback, there’s really only so much you can do about mad cow disease or nuclear war, so, you know, in case of those, get hitched.

The trouble with marriage is that in your new high-class social circle, the vast majority of females you’re going to meet, while desperately hot, are also bitches. And bitches are only interested in you for two things: your huge muscley physique and your huge muscley bank account. Whenever you meet some potential bitches, ask them their names and then immediately segue into their feelings about prenuptial agreements. One of three things will happen:

1. They will look frustrated like a “Scooby Doo” villain confronted with those darn kids. DO NOT MARRY THEM! These are not the bitches for you.

2. They will gasp and feign shock, and ask you what that has to do with anything. You may have just met some regular women, so apologize, say you thought they were something else, and just walk away. Regular women are for regular guys, not superstars.

3. If they look confused or just smile and nod, you’ve found yourself a Trophy Wife! Congratulations! Propose immediately using one of those Super Bowl rings you’re wearing.

Important Follow-up: Buy her some sun block. Trophy wives tend to shrivel up in the sun, raisin-like. Invest in sun block early – you won’t regret it!

2) Sell Out before you get old
Face it. Eventually you’re going to be the Charles Barkley to the next generation’s Dwyane Wade, except since that dick “Sir Charles” already made the joke, no one else is ever going to make a dime off of their former success. This just accentuates the fact that it’s important to cash in while you’re still on top.

Luckily for the enterprising and forward-thinking NFL quarterback, there are many ways to do this. You can…

Send pictures of your feet to Nike
Nike loves athletes’ feet, and they especially enjoy receiving pictures of them in the mail. This solidifies one’s self-image as an important part of the sports world. Nike does not need to go to athletes. Athletes come to Nike. As an added bonus, Nike will be more likely to give you money if Nike is happy. This will make you happy, continuing the Cycle of Delight.

Embrace the makers of your personal addiction
Warning: It makes sense to think that you should be paid for everything you do now, but be sure to choose wisely. A poorly placed product can ruin your career faster than you can say “R. Kelly peed on me.” Some options include:

  • Smoking: This is getting a bad rap lately, so you’re best off trying to find this generation’s “smoking.” You’re probably thinking “marijuana!,” but I’m going to advise against it for obvious legal reasons. You wouldn’t go to jail, of course (you’re a celebrity), but it might keep you out of the Hall of Fame someday, and I hear they let inductees sleep in the basement if they can prove they’ve declared bankruptcy. You might need that.
  • Alcohol: Always a good choice, because if there’s one thing that any NFL quarterback needs it’s a way to capitalize on the devastating alcoholism of his fans. And if you’re just starting out, sure, endorse some beer you like. But after awhile, you’ll realize you’re probably better off just buying your own distillery/winery/brewery. It’s not a huge initial investment, and cutting out the middleman is always good business. (Offensive linemen being the exception that proves the rule.) An additional benefit of being known to sip the sauce every now and again is that it is your ticket out of a lot of poor social choices later in life.

Poor choices like this one, which you can explain away with booze:

Or you can endorse a more mainstream product.

  • Tinactin anti-fungal products would be good, but they already have a celebrity to endorse them. So unless you can wait for John Madden to limp off into the hills, go with something else that is equally manly, like medicine balls or firearms. Firearms totally need a new celebrity.
  • Natural male enhancement: This idea has a lot going for it. These companies’ coffers are bulging at the seams these days. You could probably get a huge payout. There’s an enormous stigma attached to it, but then again, that might mean an enlarged paycheck. If you don’t mind the embarrassing association, and you’re sick and tired of your tiny penis, this might be the celebrity endorsement for you.

Things like designer teapots or tiny fragrant soaps would be fine if the sight of you holding a personal lavender bar wasn’t guaranteed to cause irreparable damage to your on-field reputation. Maybe you can sell tiny plastic grills after you retire, but that’s the absolute maximum threshold of cuteness you’ll be able to recover from.

Same with My Little Pony, Segways and model trains.

And Pokemons, unfortunately.

Important follow-up: Whatever you choose to do, do it now! Fame is fleeting, but giant heaps of cash last forever! (Disclaimer: This is false.)

3) Leak a Sex Tape (of yourself)
If there’s one thing the Internet has taught us, it’s that more people in the town of Pensacola, Fla., are searching Google for the word “orgy” than “apple pie.” And if anyone is going to cash in on that trend, then damn it, why shouldn’t it be you? The name of the fame game is volume, people, and nothing produces volume like half-a-billion half-naked netizens watching a video of you.

This plan is not for the timid, however, and it’s very important that you don’t get confused and accidentally leak a sex tape of someone else, because then their popularity will skyrocket from the increased exposure instead of yours, leaving you with nothing but a shred of dignity for all your efforts.

Important follow-up: This is probably not the ideal route to wealth if you have ambitions of becoming president later in life. Still, it’s possible that if the people of today elected President Bush because he was a guy they could have a beer with, maybe voters of the future will elect someone they feel like they could jerk off to.

4) Develop a Healthy Resentment of Your Fans
You might not have realized this, but those throngs of people screaming your name as you come out of the tunnel are now your fans. They don’t just want to be near you, they want to be you. That’s understandable what with all the money and the fame and the bitches, but what they don’t get is that their lives are actually more fulfilling than yours.

Sure, you can drown your loneliness in sparkling wine and liquid morphine, but they get to have a family, enjoy their privacy and delight in the mundane struggles of life. You, anytime you throw a bad pass, you’ll have 70,000 people booing you. And if you flip off even a single 8-year-old girl (yes, even if that little bitch started it), you’ll have the national news calling you an ungrateful pig who forgot what it was like to love the game.

(Above: Some fans will be easier to loathe than others. Typical Steelers fans in politically correct black face. SteelCitiesHobbies/flickr.)

Well the only way to fight fire is with fire itself, so next time someone asks for your autograph, tear the paper up and throw it in his face! If someone professes that your never-say-die attitude helped them recover from cancer, tell them they were sick because God hates them, and now the Devil is keeping them alive. Pretty soon, they’ll all be just as dejected and despondent as you are. Good thing misery loves company – you’ll be right as rain in no time!

Important follow-up: We honestly cannot condone any of these actions – our editors simply demanded that we sprinkle a pinch more awesome over this column.

5) Find your own road
This isn’t intended to be an exhaustive list, as I’m sure you could find at least three, maybe four other things to do with your influence and millions that would result in personal satisfaction, sustainable wealth and most likely herpes. Just don’t try to do too much, because let’s face it, it’s not like you’re a professional baseball player or something. [This needs a new joke. Help me, Joe!] [No way, doc. But I will leave in the last line anyway. – Joe]