The best of the best:

Viva la wah: Why is Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin so sad? (Oct. 19, 2008)
I honestly don’t know, but that didn’t stop me from guessing.

The saddest places to drink (Oct. 5, 2008)
The bowling alley bar takes a serious drubbing.

Definition of a douche (July 27, 2008)
I define my terms in the war against douchery.

In opposition to the Open Door Policy (June 16, 2008)
Please keep your lemonade and iced tea to yourself.

How to tell if someone is a towering mediocrity (May 18, 2008)
AKA The Ryan Seacrest story.

Why men love waitresses (May 5, 2008)
15 reasons — all of them true.

Lies, deception and betrayal at Trader Joe’s (April 20, 2008)
The day it all went horribly wrong.

Speech! Speech! Speech! (April 13, 2008)
My party theory on why Obama is destined to win the election.

Flavonoid Behavior Theory (March 9, 2008)
My theory on why attractive people are boring.

My big TV debut (Feb. 22, 2008)
Two seconds of glory on The History Channel.

What a bunch of boobs (Feb. 7, 2008)
Virginia Beach police fail to show any imagination in obscenity case.

The birds and the birds (Jan. 30, 2008)
Introduces the Lowell Hypothesis — all girls are crazy and all guys just want to get laid.

Is America ready? (Jan. 22, 2008)
Is America ready for an Italian president? The answer, clearly, was no.

The kids’ table manifesto (Nov. 18, 2007)
A reprint of the classic Scripps Howard column.

The best holiday (Oct. 28, 2007)
Ranks the 10 best holidays. Flag Day remains Arbor Day’s bitch.

Robots cannot love (Oct. 21, 2007)
The column that sparked my fascination with robots.

Business hammocks for all (Oct. 6, 2007)
The birth of the controversial Toilet Nap.

Worst column of all time:

The United States of Monkey Robot Overlords (June 1, 2008)
The most hated column in the history of this Web site.