An incomplete collection of my columns and articles.

2010

Huey Lewis & The News, a Soulsville release date and The Power of Love (Aug. 30, 2010)
My review of the Huey Lewis & The News concert at Harrah’s Rincon Casino.

Deer Creek State Park Review (Aug. 16, 2010)
My review of one of my favorite vacation destinations.

Disneyland is no place for children (July 25, 2010)
Tells the story of my first trip to Disneyland. Involves jorts.

Carl’s Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger Review (July 19, 2010)
A poor idea, wonderfully executed.
(This piece also ran on Holy Taco.)

Game 7 Lakers: Downtown Los Angeles during Lakers’ game 7 win (June 19, 2010)
The Lakers won. I ate pudding. And a dog rode a skateboard down the street. My complete report.

Intimate Body Pillow review (June 1, 2010)
A very nice company sent me two body pillows to review. One sexy. One not-so-sexy.

Always be prepared (May 18, 2010)
The story of a man, his backup shirt and his backup backup shirt.

My sensory deprivation experience (May 11, 2010)
My teeny-tiny sort-of-LSD trip.
(This piece also ran on Made Man)

The 24 things you see at Adultcon (April 12, 2010)
Yes, Ron Jeremy is one of them.

Male breast reduction surgery (March 2, 2010 for Made Man)
The lengths men will go to in order to flatten their soft, supple, spectacular breasts.

Men Are More Romantic Than Women (Feb. 11, 2010 for Man Man)
It’s true. I have science to back up this overly-broad generalization.

The White Castle Valentine’s Day dinner (Feb. 8, 2010 for Made Man)
How does White Castle stack up against Spago Beverly Hills as a Valentine’s Day destination? (Surprisingly well)

Pro football: Our national pastime (Feb. 5, 2010 for Made Man)
How football went from a third-rate sport to the national pastime.

Why gay marriage would be good for straight men (Jan. 23, 2010)
Five reasons, all of them completely selfish.

Improv dating tips (Jan. 15, 2010 for Made Man)
‘Yes-and’ your way to her heart.

So you want to be a gigolo (Jan. 10, 2010 for Made Man)
How to get hired as a prostidude at the Shady Lady Ranch.

Marriage makes women fat (Jan. 7, 2010)
Men, on the other hand, have no excuse.

2009

World leaders you didn’t know were drunk (Dec. 30, 2009 for Made Man)
My interview with Hardcore History host Dan Carlin on which world leaders got their proper swerve on.

Speed-dating tips (Dec. 29, 2009 for Made Man)
7 tips every male speed dater should know, including “wear a shirt.”

Heisman winners who were not busts (Dec. 15, 2009 for Made Man)
Andre Ware – shock! – did not make this list.

How to record a podcast (Dec. 8, 2009 for Made Man)
Second Column podcast producer Mike Costantini and I share the 12 secret ingredients that make our podcast delicious, and artery-clogging.

Nicolas Cage is bad with money (Nov. 29, 2009)
That $276,000 dinosaur skull? Bad call.

Race car driver public driving FAILs (Oct. 28, 2009 for All Left Turns)
One professional driver hit an auto dealership with his car. No kidding.

The five emotions you experience after your home is robbed (Oct. 15, 2009)
The true story of the five emotions I experienced after my home was robbed.

The Obama NASCAR conspiracy (June 18, 2009 for All Left Turns)
The president’s secret plan to ruin NASCAR.

Great moments in rain-delay history (May 26, 2009 for All Left Turns)
Check it out just for the Ashley Judd photo.

NASCAR town-hall meeting transcript (May 26, 2009 for All Left Turns)
Probably includes the word “reckon.”

Heavy mayo (March 29, 2009)
The heroic story of a fat man ordering a sandwich.

Ten ways that women can blow a first date (Feb. 15, 2009)
Introduces the One-Hour Rule.

Go get her (Feb. 8, 2009)
The greatest love story ever told … on this Web site.

Malcolm Gladwell is wrong (Jan. 4, 2009)
With the exception of the central premise, Outliers is a good book.

The Angry Whopper is not angry, it is misunderstood (Jan. 8, 2009)
While technically not a column, by far one of my most popular posts.

2008

Why the auto bailout is bad for Democrats (Nov. 25, 2008 for Dipdive.com)
Yes, will.i.am’s people hired me to blog about politics during the election. And I wrote stuff like this.

Don’t freak out (Nov. 18, 2008 for Dipdive.com)
The Barack Obama you fell in love with is going to, ironically, change.

Conservatives for Obama! Wha-wha-what? (Oct. 27, 2008 on Dipdive.com)
These people are dead to to the GOP.

Viva la wah: Why is Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin so sad? (Oct. 19, 2008)
I honestly don’t know, but that didn’t stop me from guessing.

The saddest places to drink (Oct. 5, 2008)
The bowling alley bar takes a serious drubbing.

If only I lived in New Hampshire (Oct. 1, 2008 on Dipdive)
Why my vote in the biggest election of my lifetime did not matter.

Man hugs (Sept. 10, 2008 on Dipdive)
How an awkward man hug cost John McCain the election.

John McCain was told there would be no math (Aug. 27, 2009 on Dipdive)
Can you blame a guy for not knowing how many homes he owns?

Definition of a douche (July 27, 2008)
I define my terms in the war against douchery.

In opposition to the Open Door Policy (June 16, 2008)
Please keep your lemonade and iced tea to yourself.

How to tell if someone is a towering mediocrity (May 18, 2008)
AKA The Ryan Seacrest story.

Why men love waitresses (May 5, 2008)
15 reasons – all of them true.

Lies, deception and betrayal at Trader Joe’s (April 20, 2008)
The over-dramatic retelling of the day it all went horribly wrong.

Speech! Speech! Speech! (April 13, 2008)
My party theory on why Obama is destined to win the election.

Remanufacturing: Cheaper, greener and maybe a little faster (April 2008 for Sea magazine)
Feature for a boating magazine.

Flavonoid Behavior Theory (March 9, 2008)
My theory on why attractive people are boring.

My big TV debut (Feb. 22, 2008)
Two seconds of glory on The History Channel

What a bunch of boobs (Feb. 7, 2008)
Virginia Beach police fail to show any imagination in obscenity case.

The birds and the birds (Jan. 30, 2008)
Introduces the Lowell Hypothesis – all girls are crazy and all guys just want to get laid.

How to officiate a wedding ceremony (Jan. 30, 2008)
Article originally published in Brides magazine.

Is America ready? (Jan. 22, 2008)
Is America ready for an Italian president? The answer, clearly, was no.

2007

The kids’ table manifesto (Nov. 18, 2007)
A reprint of the classic Scripps Howard column.

The best holiday (Oct. 28, 2007)
Ranks the 10 best holidays. Flag Day remains Arbor Day’s bitch.

Robots cannot love (Oct. 21, 2007)
The column that sparked my fascination with robots.

Business hammocks for all (Oct. 6, 2007)
The birth of the controversial Toilet Nap.

Fans, let’s do this again soon (Jan. 7, 2007 for Ohio Today)
Column about attending Ohio University’s first bowl game since 1968.

Be a Viking (Brides Magazine)
List of traditions couples should include in their weddings.

2005

Speed and a smile (Sept. 2005 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

When PDF means Pretty Darn Fast (July 2005 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

Peanut butter and someone else’s jelly (Feb. 2005 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

2004

BigCabinet is big idea (Dec. 2004 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

Lean and loving it (June 2004 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

www.Redesign-Is-Valuable.com (March 2004 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

Karaoke crimes (March 27, 2004 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column about a night at a karaoke club.

Short people got no reason to date (Feb. 11, 2004 in TCPalm)
Scripps Howard humor column on why short dudes ought to just off themselves.

The war on drugs starts at Foot Locker (Jan. 15, 2004 in Cannibis News)
Scripps Howard humor column on why jogging is as dangerous as smoking weed.

Service a la Carte (Jan. 2004 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

2003

Disco dopes (Dec. 3, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on what happens when one man accidentally dances with another man.

Surf’s up (Dec. 2003 for Football Digest)
The NFL needs Los Angeles more than Los Angeles needs the NFL.

Moving toward HIPAA compliance (Dec. 2003 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

The biggest little games (Dec. 2003 for Football Digest)
The best college football rivalries you have never heard of.

Fullback: Football’s forgotten position (Nov. 2003 for Football Digest)
Blue-collar jobs are even disappearing in the NFL.

Commercial causes wingman strategy to crash (Nov. 13, 2003 in Naples Daily News)
Scripps Howard column on what a wingman is.

Still single? You’re not alone (Nov. 11, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on why single people are single.

Where have all the good men gone? (Nov. 3, 2003)
Scripps Howard humor column on why it is hard to find a good man. (They are all on mom’s couch.)

A tall order (Oct. 27, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on spam and being short. (I connect the two. I swear.)

The state of the date (July 28, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on how not all dating scenes stink.

Definition of a date (May 7, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on what defines a date

Smile, brother, smile (April 7, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on why the pursuit of happiness is worthwhile.

Making the right mailing moves (July 2003 for Print Solutions)
E-Files feature for print industry magazine.

Nightclubs still hold the same offbeat characters (July 10, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on the characters you meet at nightclubs.

The Carson show (June 2003 for Football Digest)
NFL Draft cover story on Carson Palmer.

Bald new world (June 9, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard News Service humor column on the trend of men shaving their heads.

Puppy practice (April 24, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on practicing parenthood on a dog.

The case against commitment (March 31, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard humor column on why it’s good not to get married.

Friends and lovers (March 17, 2003 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on what happens one man tells another man he loves him.

Enough is never enough (Feb. 2003 for Football Digest)
Why we need more, not fewer, bowl games.

2002

Love and airports (Dec. 30, 2002 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column about ‘the airport test.’

The spruce truce (Dec. 2, 2002 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on what time of the year is perfect for dumping someone.

Kids Table Manifesto (Nov. 27, 2002 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column about life at the Kids Table.

So what does your wife do? She plays pro basketball (July 3, 2002 in ESPN.com)
Feature I wrote about Stacey Dales-Schuman of the WNBA.

Don’t play it straight (Sept. 26, 2002 in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Scripps Howard column on how acting gay can get you women.

My battle with the 12-minute mile (Fine Living)
Scripps Howard humor column about running a 5K.

2001

Sunny-side up (Fall 2001 for Ohio Today)
Feature on Ohio University’s new football coach.

2000

Off-field violence plaguing NFL (Feb. 1, 2000 in ESPN)
Feature on NFL’s off-field violence problem for Scripps Howard)

1999

Chiefs rookie takes stand against abusive language (Sept. 12, 1999 in Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)
That pretty much sums it up.

ESPN at 20: It’s come a long way, baby (Sept. 8, 1999 in ESPN.com)
Feature I wrote about ESPN’s 20th anniversary for Scripps Howard.