Dave's letter to Mike from this week's podcast

Dearest Mike,

I would just like to formally apologize for my hurtful comments and sour insinuations regarding both your method of eating In-N-Out burgers and your span of knowledge of English-language vocabulary (or lack thereof). You have been my best friend for over 12 years now, and I felt it was time to be undeviatingly honest with you. In retrospect it may have been best to have kept those said comments to myself.

As I listened to the four of you gorge yourselves on In-N-Out burgers, my delicate ears were abruptly polluted by the nauseating cacophony of your smacking lips and mouths. It resembled a feeding frenzy of a pack of ravenous wolves as they descended upon an innocent collection of adorable baby chickens and sweet, appealing white rabbits. I came perilously close to vomiting my gourmet ramen lunch. I demand that you publicly apologize for this transgression.

One smacking mouth sound particularly irked me, and I naturally assumed it was you, Mike. As both my best friend and having actually lived with you, I know that you have the revolting habit of eating with your mouth as wide open as your fly after draining your hairy Italian lizard (unfortunately, yes, I have seen it before).

You skillfully dodged my accusation; however, I think your explanation that you turned off your microphone as you greedily feasted on In-N-Out is a crock of festering shit. But I’ll be the bigger man (literally) and apologize anyways … you fuckin’ open-mouth-eating pansy. Knowing that In-N-Out isn’t available in Japan, you ate it during your podcast just to spite me. You also did it to devilishly tease that charitable vessel-of-the-angels guest of yours (Phil Ranta). That just goes to show how much of an asshole you are.

I also want to apologize for pointing out that you constantly misuse English vocabulary. Having spent the last four and a half years in Japan, I will humbly admit that I have lost about 50% of my former knowledge of English. Nevertheless, I still retain enough of my native language to know that when it comes to any word over three syllables, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Just ask Joe. Now there’s a smart guy that knows what he’s talking about. Joe – could you please explain the meaning of the word “plight” to Mister Mike Constantly-burping-tini?

Well, I guess that’s it. I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, you crybaby bitch.


P.S. So since I technically apologized, we’re cool now … right, Mike? Cuz I still need a place to crash when I’m visiting LA. I can’t stay at my parents’ house anymore because you STOLE MY DAD from me. Oh, and if you break his heart, I’ll kill you.

Joe Donatelli
Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles

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