Thanks to everyone who answered the joedonatelli.com personality quiz challenge. (OK, it wasn’t a challenge, but I felt like it would sound cooler if I called it a quiz challenge royale. Oh, there, I did it again, adding another word. All right, for the record, it was a quiz challenge royale supreme with sausage. I will stop now.)
Some of the answers were hilarious and others made my mind explode. I have posted my favorite responses below with the authors’ first names in parenthesis. I skipped the questions that elicited boring answers.
This week you’re the star.
1. First name?
– Gregory. I mean Daniel. (Daniel)
– 4′ 8.5″ (the half is really important damn it!) (Michell – she is as fierce as she is short)
4. Would you punch a baby in the face – hard, but non-fatally – if it ensured ten straight years of peace on earth?
– I would punch that baby twice. (Steve)
– Depends on the baby. (V)
– Yes, and I didn’t even read the second half of the question. (Daniel)
– Can I pick the baby? If I punched the baby twice, would we have 20 years of peace on earth? Or would I have to punch a different baby? (Tom)
5. Eye color?
– Grey-blue, like the Sargasso Sea on a cold day, but with a corona of yellow, reminiscent of the halo over the head of God. (Steve)
– One is brown. The other, brown. (Daniel)
6. Single or married?
– Single, except in Juarez, Mexico. (Mike S.)
7. What is your job?
– Keeping the Earth’s tides aligned. (Mike S.)
– I wear many hats, ranging from the fur-lined cold-hazard mask of a licensed baby-seal clubber to the woven-straw variety typified by a no-ambition country bumpkin. Most of my time, however, is spent under a tri-cornered pirate hat, which I wear while on infiltration missions, as I am a ninja. (Steve)
8. What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done on the toilet?
– Ate a ham sandwich. (Doug)
– Wow. Is it sad that I can think of a few things? (Angela)
10. High school?
– Post-WWII Factory Insta-Neighborhood 11B Class of 2000 (Daniel)
12. If your worst enemy was on fire across the street, and you had a bucket of water, would you be like, “Is my worst enemy testing me with this scenario? He really should have thought this through, because my hobbies happen to include collecting buckets of water, and this one’s a keeper.”
– No (V)
– Keep the bucket (Mike S.)
– Yes. How did you know? Although you’d have to replace “bucket of water” with “jar of formaldehyde”, and “my worst enemy” with “this rampaging elephant”, and “testing me” with “about to have the time of his life.” Other than that, though, dead on. Spooky. (Steve)
– I am sure she would be testing me! Very sure….evil person! (Tina)
– I would drink the water in front of her. (Daniel)
– I still have a bucket of water that I filled up after the first time I saw Van Halen in concert in 1993. I remember getting home after the show, going out to the backyard and slowly filling that bucket with a garden hose. That was a good day. (Tom)
13. Vanilla or chocolate?
Dark chocolate. Kill whitey. (Tom)
14. McDonald’s or Burger King?
– Rax (Mike S.)
– Burger King, though my father swears only crazy people eat there. Think about it, do you see weird, unwashed people talking to themselves and drinking coffee all day at McDonalds? I think not. And those of you from the ‘Wood know the dude I’m talking about! (Michell)
15. Starbucks or Coffee Bean?
– Caribou (V)
– What the hell is Coffee Bean? (Mike S. – I didn’t know it was regional. I am an idiot.)
– What the hell is Coffee Bean? Is that some West Coast thing Joe?? (Michell)
– Ahh, the existential debate between the brand and the product. Without a coffee bean, could there be a Starbucks at all? Without Starbucks, would the bean enjoy its grand stature at the top of the morning elixir pyramid? Can we even pit one against the other, for there must undoubtedly be worse and better beans than those proffered at Starbucks? It’s a classic chicken and egg debate, for one without the other is, as Chaucer put it, hold on, lemme Google it… Oh. There’s actually a place called “The Coffee Bean.” Huh. Never mind, I guess. I don’t really drink coffee anyway. (Steve)
16. If a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, does that make tandem bicycles the homosexuals of pedal-powered transportation? It would explain the baskets and streamers, plus all of the gentrified city neighborhoods lined with tandem-bike bars and leather shops.
– …Yes, technically. (Steve)
– What about the unicycle? (Mike S.)
– This question actually had me thinking for a few minutes. And now all I can think about is how much I miss San Francisco. (Angela)
17. First crush?
– Bakenie (Tina – smooth!)
18. First kiss?
– Is Mace a kiss? (Doug)
– Seventh grade gym teacher (Mike S.)
– 1995 … first kiss of conscious girl: 1997 (Daniel)
– Camp Counselor Richard (Tom)
19. First BF or GF?
– John. We had a very dramatic break up by the lockers. (Angela)
– I think everyone knows who my first girlfriend was. My first serious boyfriend was Brock, but Andy soon came along and complicated the matter. We later resolved our love triangle by forming the fake rap group, Thugs, Bugs, and Lightening. We have yet to enter the Hoop It Up 3-on-3 basketball tournament as we originally planned. (V)
20. What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
– One of those gigantic jaw breakers from the gumball machine. You know, the ones with the eye ball painted on them that melts as soon as your spit hits it and then it runs down your face because you can’t close your mouth around it…..or was that just me? (Michell)
22. Best physical feature?
– Heart rate. (Daniel)
24. Brain or jock?
– Hard to pick, because they have to work to share the same blood supply, but I like to root for the brain because it has to fight gravity for its oxygen. Then again, they both tend to fight gravity. (Steve)
25. Is George W. Bush a great man? Or a great president? Choose only one or two.
– A great man….for me to poop on!! hahahahhaa! (Michell)
26. Favorite author?
– Tommy Donatelli (Mike S.)
27. Do you think we’d all like our feet so much if we called them by the function they perform – shoe rapists?
– I think it would give them the edge that they’re missing. Shoe Rapists sounds dangerous. (Angela)
28. Favorite section of the bookstore?
– Unguarded rear exits. (Daniel)
29. Favorite movie quote?
– “No more wanky my panky – the Donga need food!” 16 Candles. (Tina)
30. The 2011 Academy Award for Best Picture will go to a movie called what?
– Joe and Mike Go To Chipotle (Mike S.)
31. Coffee or tea?
– Anything with whiskey (Mike S.)
33. Best use of absence? To make the heart grow fonder? Or to create attention-starved children who eventually seek personal validation via the entertainment industry and crack us up weekly on whip-smart sitcoms?
– To scare rich people into giving me money for the safe return of their children. (Tom)
35. What are the odds that Google will be assassinated by an out-of-work reference librarian? I say 2-to-1.
– I’ll take those odds, assuming we’re talking about the out-of-work reference librarian I think we’re talking about, because she is currently being held hostage in my basement. The real puzzle? I DON’T HAVE A BASEMENT. (Steve)
36. Bananas or non-bananas?
– Banana-based banana meal. (Daniel)
37. Hotel, motel or Holiday Inn? Say what?
-If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend. Master Gee am I mellow. It’s on you so what you gonna do…well it’s on, on, on, and on, on, and on…the beat don’t s
top until the break of dawn. (V)
38. Best college mascot?
– Coked up werewolf. (Doug)
40. Do you think anyone has ever said, “Carl, we will always have Canada.” Then Carl says, “Damn you, Ellen, it wasn’t Canada, it was us. We were alive, just for a moment of time, in Winnipeg.”
– I wrote that in my private journal after a confusing time in my life. (Tom)
41: Best qualification for a dog walker?
– Not a cat, or quantitatively cat-like. (Steve)
42: Fastest athlete on earth?
– That old Olympic chick who turned out to be a man. (Daniel)
43: What is the best use of physics? To create modern conveniences? Or to explain the laws of the universe? There is no wrong answer, but there are three right answers, and one of them, when spoken aloud, opens a portal to a nether-dimension, but it’s not much of a nether-dimension, it’s kind of the Wheaton, Maryland of nether-dimensions. There’s probably a Sbarro there, and not much else.
– If physics brings us Sbarro, I’m all for it. (Michell)
– Wormhole portals to Wheaton-esque dimensions. (Angela)
44: Favorite SNL sketch?
– I told a 3rd grader that I live in a van down by the river. A couple of days later she said, “It was cold this weekend. You must have been cold in your van.” (Tina)
46: Porno or overactive imagination? (Note: Your overactive imagination can include a wa-wa guitar.)
– Porno. Imaginations are for coming up with plausible lies. (Tom)
48: Laughter or the best medicine as prescribed by your medically-trained doctor?
– Laughter can’t get you an erection that lasts more than four hours. (Mike S.)
50: What would make you happier? Knowing there is a heaven? Or knowing there is a fun slide that leads from your front door to an ice cream parlor. Now keep in mind, with the fun slide, you have to provide your own sliding sack. So there are some things to consider here.
– Slide. (Mike S.)