Bald Guyz review: Products for bald guys

products for bald guys

This is something I recently discovered. If you mention a product on your website, there is a chance that the company that makes that product will offer you a sample for review.

Businesses set Google News Alerts for themselves so they are notified when someone has written about them or one of their products. The first company to contact me was Intimate Body Pillows. It sent me three free pillows, which I reviewed, mainly by spooning them and positioning them as home-invasion deterrents. The company was thrilled with my coverage and actually wrote: “Thanks for the fantastic article that you wrote for us. Hilarious, creative, and informative. Your writing skills are superb.”

Hey, if anyone knows superb writing, it’s a purveyor of customized body pillows.

A few months ago I wrote a brief post on this site about a product called Bald Guyz Head Wipes. They are exactly what you think they are. Hours later I received this comment from “The Head Bald Guy.” “Glad you found our Head Wipes! You should try all of our Bald Guyz products to make sure that your head continues to look it’s best! Send us an email to info@baldguyz and lets talk!” We talked. The Head Bald Guy – who lives in New Jersey, naturally – sent me the company’s entire line of grooming products for bald men. This weekend I tried out every item. If you happened to see me during the last few days and thought to yourself, “Joe’s head has never looked smoother, shinier or more confident,” this was why.

The first products I tried were the Pre-Shave Scrub, Clear Shave Gel and Moisture Gel. Most bald men shave their own heads. My usual routine is warm water followed by Barbasol Original shaving cream, a shave with the Gillette Fusion ProGlide razor and a splash of Aqua Velva Ice Blue aftershave. Yes, I smell like a high school football coach. I prefer a manly smell. If there was an aftershave called Leather Jacket, Budweiser and Motorcycle Exhaust, I would splash it on every 15 minutes. It’s a much better musk than, say, sanitizing hand lotion.

All Bald Guyz products smell the same. They smell like a high-end spa. I don’t know if it’s the green tea or the algae or the fruits and vitamins, but whatever it is, all of the Bald Guyz products make me want to get a massage, drink cucumber water and then steal a thick, white bathrobe. The Pre-Shave Scrub? I have no idea if it did anything. I did have to rub it into my head for 60 seconds, which is a lot of time to spend doing a thing before you do the actual thing. I don’t warm up my car for 60 seconds. I don’t even cook my food for 60 seconds. I eat it cold, over the sink, divorced police detective style.

The Clear Shave Gel – this is where Bald Guyz started to win me over. It’s a low-foaming gel, so I was skeptical that I would get a good shave, because my usual Barbasol regimen has me looking like Frosty The Snowman before blade meets skin. I came away impressed with this product. I have used several shaving creams since I shaved my head in 2000 and this one is the best. After I shaved, my head was completely slick, like a marble dipped in gel soap. The Moisture Gel seemed redundant at this point, so I tried it hours later and it restored my head to full slickness.

bald guys products

I also tried out the Head Wipes and Sunscreen. They both worked as advertised. The Head Wipes were thick and soft, like nice baby wipes. I was not out in the sun for long this weekend, so I cannot say whether or not the sunscreen works as advertised, but it did make my head smell like a Burke Williams spa again.

The most puzzling item Bald Guyz sent me was the Wash & Shampoo. Bald Guyz brags that it “has developed the first wash and shampoo specially formulated for the unique needs of the bald guy.” Well, of course you have, Bald Guyz. This is like a company saying that it has developed the first kitty litter for dogs, or the first all-wheel sports utility for toddlers or the first Super Bowl memorabilia case for Cleveland Browns fans. Bald guys don’t need shampoo, Bald Guyz.

I guess the idea, maybe, is that men can rub it into their stubble between shaves, but I have been bald for nine years now and I can report that stubble is not troublesome. Dip your head under the shower for five seconds and you’re clean. Being bald has many detriments, all of which my brother Dan can list to you if you have 30 minutes, but it also has its advantages. The first and foremost: It’s a no-muss, no-fuss lifestyle. That’s the trade-off for being less attractive to women, being cold when it’s under 60 degrees outside and to permanently looking like the only job you’re qualified for is staff sergeant in the U.S. Army. You save time and money on shampoo and combs.

Update: Howard Brauner, AKA The Head Bald Guy, wrote in to say, “As for Bald Guyz Daily Wash & Shampoo, most men use whatever is in the shower –soap, their wives’ shampoo or body wash. All of these dry out the skin. Like a man that has hair needs to clean it, a bald man needs to clean the skin.”

Duly noted.

So, there you go, Bald Guyz. There’s your review. I like most of your products. Thank you for contacting me because I mentioned your company on my website. And now I will close by saying Harley-Davidson, Dave’s Insanity Sauce, PlayStation 3, Ford Escape, Old Speckled Hen beer, Jameson Irish Whiskey, Virgin Galactic, Trader Joe’s, Amazon.com, Smith & Wesson, Droid phone, Dell, Continental Airlines, American Eagle hoodies, Claiborne shirts, Nixon watches, Oakley sunglasses, DKNY jeans, P90X Recovery Drink, Visa Black Card, DIRECTV, Saucony shoes, iPad, Canon cameras, Raytheon Company: Hawk Air Defense System.

Share