A letter to the vice president

Office of the vice president
Washington, DC
Re: The darned media

Mr. Vice President:

I agree with your recent comment that “the newspaper will soon go the way of the dodo bird, the reel-to-reel player and Brian Dunkelman.” I believe newspapers are withering because of a lack of original thinking on many levels. For example, you can’t pick up the most thought-provoking section of the paper – the opinion page – without reading some columnist’s fake letter to a public official. It’s a disgrace, Mr. Vice President, a total hack crutch.

I was talking about this very subject the other day with my dear Aunt Bernice. Aunt Bernice is from an older time – she passed away during the 1950s and 1960s – but she pops up every now and then when I want to write what I actually think without having to man up and actually do so.

“It was different during the Depression,” Aunt Bernice said.

“How so,” I asked.

“Folks stuck together,” she said, “not like today.”

“My generation is a festering bucket of goat scabies,” I said.

“I suspect you’re right,” she said.

Ten Questions for Russian President Vladimir Putin

Why have you suppressed democracy in Russia? When will you expand press freedoms? How come Russia’s leaders alternate between bald guy and guy with a full head of hair? Have you noticed that it went Chernenko (hair), Gorbachev (bald), Yeltsin (hair), you (bald), Dmitry Medvedev (hair)? Was Medvedev’s hair a factor when you chose him as your successor? Have you considered Michael Chiklis as his successor?

And how come you don’t want America to put up that missile shield? Didn’t you play Missile Command on Atari? How can you vouch for the defense of your nation without first defending the six peace-loving cities of Missile Command? Why am I asking questions I will never receive answers to?

Speaking of questions without answers, our beloved Vice President Darth Vader appeared on “Meet the Press” but was unwilling to take a stand on whether choking terrorist detainees using only his mind is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Meanwhile brooding President Dylan W. McKay spent another week down on the 90210 ranch clearing brush. Apparently this is more important than solving national problems or making sure Mr. Walsh is happy with the way he treats Brenda. And by “Brenda” I mean the economy.

And while Nancy Pelosi may be the Wicked Witch of the West Lawn these days, you can bet Bo and Luke Duke Clinton won’t tell Ted Kennedy that Theodore Huxtable (AKA the Constitution) has a trick up his sleeve for old Boss Hogwarts himself, Dirty Harry Potter Reid.

Am I right? Is my pop culture-laced snark not perfectly accurate? Are you not better informed than you were three minutes ago?

If newspapers are to survive they must come to a realization, while also having a national dialogue, as well as a grass roots movement, this time from the ground up.

The world is a dodecahedron. The Platonic solid is the global economy and the 12 pentagonal faces represent the forces that propel an economy: capital, education, investment, research, milk, representative government, rich guys in castles, computer screens, dress pants, property rights, Facebook and the glass ceiling.

By grossly exaggerating a trend I noticed, I have gained your attention. Now I will write a book.

Joe Donatelli

PS – There is always a PS.