Here in California, gay activists are attempting to overturn a statewide ban on same-sex marriage. I know this because my gym is located in West Hollywood, which makes my gym the gayest building in one of the gayest neighborhoods in one of the gayest cities in the world. I have been hit on in the locker room twice even though 1.) I am not gay 2.) I am overweight 3.) I dress like I just rolled out of a hamper.

With activists asking me to sign petitions, an abundance of “Overturn Prop 8” signs in store windows and gay guys kissing in front of me while I am on the elliptical, I probably spend more time thinking about gay marriage than the average straight guy. After much thought, and a lot of pretending two guys the size of Ben Roethlisberger are not making out in front of me, I have decided to come out in favor of legalizing gay marriage. Why? Purely selfish reasons. All this surrounding gayness got me thinking and has led me to conclude that gay marriage is great for straight men.

Less pressure to marry
Because gays are barred from marrying each other, they are constantly pressuring your girlfriend to get married so they can live through her vicariously. Nothing is gayer than a wedding – the flowers, the cake, the totally gay centerpieces, the proclamations of love, etc. In a vacuum, homosexuals must manufacture weddings to satisfy their wedding lust. This is why your sweetheart hears, “So when are you guys getting married?” all the time from her gays. If they were allowed to marry, the gays would not have time to meddle in your love life. They would not have time for anything except planning and attending gay weddings.

Gay weddings will be good places to hook up
A wedding already is a good place to hook up. A gay wedding – where many of the guests are gay men – improves your odds tremendously. Same amount of ladies. Fewer straight dudes for the ladies to choose from. Also, the women will think you are progressive and liberal and all that crap because you are at a gay wedding, giving you a layer of credibility you do not deserve. Finally, if you have any game at all, the gays will steer single ladies your way, because that’s what drunken gays do for their friends.

Lesbian weddings
A lesbian wedding ceremony concludes with two women kissing. It would be gay not to want this.

Better school plays and music recitals
Gay marriages would, inevitably, lead to an increase in gay parents. That means more children of gays in the local school system. I will go out on a stereotypical limb and bet that the children of gays will be, on average, better artists than their peers. As a parent, someday you will have to sit through school plays and music recitals. Do you want to sit through complete crap like your dad did? Or would you rather be entertained by an adorable troupe of mini Neil Patrick Harrises?

Fewer gays at the gym
I am not anti-gay, but I am anti-waiting-for-the-elliptical. My gym is filled with gays – as are many gyms in large cities. Follow me on this. A married man is a man who no longer cares about his body. If that man is married to another married man who no longer cares about his body, I imagine their mutual laziness will create a cycle of sloth that leads to a national decrease in gym memberships, which would be great, mainly for me.

Do the right thing for straight men everywhere. Help overturn Prop 8!