MSN.com recently published a piece entitled Guys: 10 First-Date Fumbles by Lori Gottlieb. I admire the article’s restraint (only 10?), tone (benevolence) and goal (to cure stupidity.) My only complaint was that it was not accompanied by a sidebar that helps the ladies avoid first-date landmines.

No need to assign a writer, MSN.com. I got this one.

I present to you ten ways that a woman can blow (please allow me to finish) a date (there was no classy way to land that).

10. Check your phone. You know everything you need to know about a person one hour into the first date. Whether you acknowledge this information determines your happiness in the relationship. I call this the One-Hour Rule. If you check texts or voicemails in our presence, we will wonder what other horrors lay ahead.

9. Say you do not drink. If you are a recovering alcoholic, or the child of an alcoholic or do not drink for medical reasons, we will understand. Otherwise, telling us that you choose not to drink leads us to ask, “What is wrong with you?” We will either conclude 1.) You used to be into some crazy shit 2.) You are no fun. There is no in-between.

8. Blow the (please allow me to finish) silence test (finally, a classy landing). At some point conversation will stop. If you are cool with it, if you can hold eye contact and enjoy the moment, and smile, we will find you incredibly sexy. It could even become The Moment, that magical instance when a man decides, “This is the only woman who will yell at me for the rest of my life.”

7. Refuse to bust balls. Play to win. Don’t play not to lose. If I order in Spanish at a French restaurant, call me out. If I am from Cleveland and you are from Pittsburgh, note our football rivalry and mock me openly. If you are not having fun on the first date, when does the fun start? (My apologies for sounding like Dave Coulier in the second half of the last sentence.)

6. Brag about being “brutally honest.” First of all, brutal honesty is not a virtue. It simply means you are too lazy to edit your thoughts in my company. Secondly, pure brutal honesty does not exist except in Jim Carrey movies. A person who is brutally honest all of the time would have no friends or job. The irony? Anyone who claims to be a brutally honest person is telling a lie. A “brutally honest” person is selectively honest like the rest of us - brutally honest with some but not with others.

5. Go on a hunger strike. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am overweight and am looking for an enabler, but I like a girl with an appetite. It shows she enjoys life. It also shows she is not harboring an eating disorder that will explode our relationship in six months.

(The woman of my dreams? Photo by Randy Son of Robert/Flickr.)

4. Ask too many questions. When I was 19, I thought that being asked many questions was flattering. She wants to know more about me, I would sigh in italics. At 33, and I fully admit this opinion has been informed by my improv training, I now think being asked too many questions means you have nothing interesting to say.

3. Bring the drama. Do not go negative. Leave the drama at home. You have the rest of our relationship to slowly erode the enjoyment of your company.

2. Wonder aloud when the waiter will bring the bill. This happened to me recently. Next time just punch me in the balls. It would be less painful.

1. Deny the kiss. If you had a bad time, by all means wrap things up and be on your way. If you hit it off, do not leave us hanging because you do not kiss on the first date. If you have a rule in your crazy brain about denying yourself joy, I will (See: One-Hour Rule) wonder what other horrors lay ahead.

All of these foibles, of course, can be overcome by the right woman. Except No. 2. Never do that to someone. I would almost rather you set my car on fire.

This is just bizarre. Enjoy.

Great episode. I fear the writers might be tackling too many story lines again. But if they can move all three of the current stories together coherently, this could be an excellent season.

- Good to see Sawyer getting more lines of dialogue outside of swearing and nicknaming. What makes him interesting is that he is a rogue who occasionally mans up and does the right thing. Good to see that part of his personality return. Also glad they found him that shirt.

- Best line of the season thus far: “Thank you, lord … I take that back!”

- It rains a lot in Los Angeles on Lost. Note to the rest of the country: It rains that hard maybe 10 days a year here. Maybe.

- How great was it to see that Jin was alive? Like I have said before, I have done a 180 on the Jin/Sun story line. I used to hate it. Now I love it. Jin and Sun could shape up to be this year’s Desmond/Penny. Here’s hoping they reunite by the end of the season. And yes, I am completely aware of how gay I sound.

- Good to see the young Rousseau. I hope they finally flush her story out and make it interesting. I never cared for her. Perhaps that was the point. But she bored me.

- Looking forward to seeing what Sun has up her sleeve next week. Besides that nine.