(Photo by makelessnoise/Flickr.)

In the spirit of Turkey Day, I have posted a link to one of my most popular columns here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

(Above: Kanye West. Photo by eyeliam/Flickr.)

Grammy-winning rapper-producer Kanye West said he has realized his “place and position in history.” Eager to beat future historians, biographers and would-be David McCulloughs to the punch, West shared his thoughts on what others will someday think of his thoughts in an interview published by The Associated Press.
 
I will get to West’s self-proclaimed place and position in history in a moment. First let me point out that it is no small feat to realize your place and position in history. Most people never realize their place and position in history. They carelessly allow others to add their chapters to the historical canon.

Take Phineas Gage. You might have read about him in Psych 101. He was the 19th century railroad foreman who survived after a piece of iron exploded into his brain. He became famous because the injury changed his personality. Once a respected businessman, he became “fitful, irreverent and grossly profane.” Because of Gage, the medical world learned that the frontal lobes of the brain affect personality and behavior.

Gage’s place and position in history is that he was a normal guy who took a shot of steel to the brain and became a foul-mouthed ass.

That is not a flattering legacy. I have to credit West with having the forethought to make a preemptive strike before suffering an industrial accident. No one will ever say, “Kanye West did not attempt to establish his place and position in history before the lathe incident.”

(Above: Every rapper’s worst nightmare. Photo by Gadget Guru/Flickr.)

Here is what West had to say. About himself. And history. Out loud. With people listening. “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice.”

With all due respect to West and his musical abilities, he has laid claim to a title that does not exist. There is no such thing as the voice of a generation. A real voice of a generation – if such a thing existed – would be intelligent enough to know that one person cannot embody the hopes and realities of tens of millions of individuals. How about this for a comparison? Kanye West claiming to be the voice of a generation is like one Web site claiming to be the voice of the Internet. Unless that Web site has porn, poker, fantasy football, a place where your friends can upload their photos and news headlines written by Matt Drudge … I am not even going to finish that thought. I think I just invented The Joe Donatelli Column 2.0.

The voice of a generation idea is a ridiculous one. Only when everyone in a generation thinks the same way, and the voice thinks exactly like everyone in that generation, can there be a voice of a generation. Any generation with a singular voice, a generation devoid of individuality, diversity and creative friction, would go down as the dumbest, most unthinking generation in human history. The voice of such a generation would have to be a cult leader, despot or “American Idol” host.

I believe that there are people who are voices of their generation, people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Hunter S. Thompson and The Beatles. I do not think West does not deserves such status. In the same interview West said the following. Audibly. At a volume that allowed others to hear. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

In other words, he finally is realizing that you cannot think thoughts and have them magically transform into reality.

West is 31 years old.

Let us take one last look at that first quote, if only because there are parts of my brain that have not exploded yet. “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice.”

Not only did West realize his place in history, he also realized his position. A place, as West refers to it, is defined by Merriam-Webster as “status.” A position, as West refers to it, is defined by Merriam-Webster as “status.” This means West has realized both his status and his status in history.

The so-called voice of a generation really ought to be more careful with his words.

This fantastic video stars column reader Soren Bowie. Enjoy.

(Photo by Lost Albatross/Flickr)

Here is my latest piece for the political Web site dipdive.com. It is rather serious, for me. I warn liberals that the Barack Obama whom they fell in love with during the campaign will not be the same as the Obama who governs for the next four years. And that’s a good thing.

I recently attended a friend’s standup showcase at The Improv in Hollywood. She was one of a dozen new comics trying to break into the club. She had a great set, and I am not just saying that because she once baked me cupcakes. Heather Thomson – you are a funny woman, even when you are not carrying baked goods in my direction.

I enjoy standup comedy for two reasons. First, I love to laugh. Standup comedy, on average, returns a higher laugh-per-joke ratio than 95 percent of all television comedies. (One of the few exceptions is “CSI Miami”, a show whose producers stubbornly refuse to admit is a comedy.)

(Above: Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest man on television.)

The other reason I like standup is that occasionally a comic will say something so true that it sticks with you forever. This is what I call a universal truth.
 
Chris Rock is great at revealing universal truths. Example: “Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.” George Carlin also was a master at these. Now and then an amateur comic will uncover a universal truth. This happened at my friend’s showcase. I did not catch the comic’s name – I will publish it if I can find it – but what she said stuck.

I am going to butcher her joke. Here is the paraphrased version.

“I have a boyfriend, and my friends love him, which scares me. Why do your friends never tell you your boyfriend sucks while you’re together? As soon as you break up they’re like, ‘We all knew he was a jerk.’ Where was that when I needed it? This is like going to an old age home in New Orleans today and saying, ‘Hey, there’s a big hurricane called Katrina coming.’ Only everyone in the old age home drowned three years ago during Hurricane Katrina.”

The comic introduced a universal truth: Most people would rather lie and say they like a friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend than tell the truth and say they do not. I say “most people” because there are rare souls who do not filter their thoughts before they reach their mouths. Then there is everyone else. We are cowards.

We manage our cowardice in different ways.

The outright lie
You lie right to your friend’s face.

Example: “Caroline, we all like Steve. We think he’s great.”

How you should interpret this if your friends ever say this to you: Steve must be a nice guy. There is no reason to think I have gone wrong here. Why would my friends lie?

The “If he makes you happy” gambit
Instead of lying and saying you like Steve, you turn the issue back to your friend.

Example: “If he makes you happy, Caroline, that’s all that counts.”

How you should interpret this if your friends ever say this to you: Run. Run, fast. Steve is wrong for you. I don’t have the stones to say this to your face. Just … run.

(Above: This is what Steve probably looks like. Yeah, yeah, he’s great. Photo by FreaksAnon/Flickr.)

And finally there is…

The Liz Lemon
The name is taken from an episode of “30 Rock” in which Liz was afraid to tell her friend Jenna that her play performances stank. Instead Liz pointed out the one thing she liked about the play, such as the lighting. I also call this “telling a small truth.”

“Yeah, Caroline, everyone likes Steve. What do we like about him? He looks very powerful in sleeveless shirts.”

How you should interpret this if your friends ever say this to you: Your boyfriend has virtually no value. He is a void of good. He is McDonald’s Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips, which are neither select nor premium nor chicken.

Here are sentences you will hear if your friends like your partner.

“Hang onto this one.”
Your friend does not have to say this, so it is a real sign of approval.

“Have you talked about marriage?”
In other words: “You two should talk about marriage.”

“Let me know if it doesn’t work. Just kidding.”
But really, I’m not. I will steal him from you. I’m just waiting for my opening.

What is the best way to handle this issue? I don’t know.

This is why I do not talk to my friends.