I am obsessed with VH1’s The Pickup Artist. In this show, master pickup artist Mystery teaches hopeless young men how to pick up women, often with cringe-inducing results. The tactics are familiar to anyone who has read The Game by Neil Strauss.

These are the basics of the Mystery Method. First, have an opener ready before you enter the bar. An opener is a line that earns you entry into a “set,” which is a group of women. A popular opener is, “Did you hear about the two girls fighting outside?” Because everyone likes a girl fight, the natural reaction is to say, “I didn’t hear about that. What happened?” Now you are in the set.

But you cannot just walk up to a set and blurt your opener. It is poor form. When you deliver an opener, you should do so over your shoulder or leaning away. This is done to avoid looking eager. It makes you appear cool. If you can give your opener while descending a fire escape or taking a nap – perfect. 

Once inside the set, you must invent a false time constraint. Example: “I only have a minute. I have to get back to my friends.” This puts everyone at ease because they know this away-leaning guy who likes watching women fight in parking lots will not be standing there for the next two hours.

The male instinct at this point is to lavish the target with attention. The Mystery Method advises the opposite. Get chummy with the guys and other girls first. When you acknowledge the target, it should be to put her down or “neg” her. A popular neg that has been used way too often is, “You can dress her up, but you can’t take her anywhere.” If things are going well, the girl will punch your arm or acknowledge your existence in a playful manner.

Now isolate. You ask the guys/other girls present, “Do you mind if I talk to your friend for a moment? (Another false time constraint.) She has been very rude to me. (Another neg.)” If you have executed these steps flawlessly there is a good chance you will have earned face time with your target. At this point you escalate to the number close, (getting her phone number), kiss close, (kissing her), or f close, (going somewhere to f.)

According to the show and the book, this works.

Personally, I do not use the Mystery Method. The Donatelli Method is to always be nice to women. For better or for worse I am going down with that ship. But I think about the Mystery Method a lot because I am interested in why it works.

(Above: A young woman just before experiencing the Donatelli Method. Photo by Russel J. Smith/Flickr.)

(Above: A young woman just after experiencing the Donatelli Method. Photo by Russel J. Smith/Flickr.)

As a result of my obsession, I have discovered a possible addition to the Mystery Method. (Yes, I am currently underemployed.) Here it is. Whenever the opportunity presents itself, make the woman physically warm. I call this Heating The Target.

This tactic comes from a piece of research I discovered. Researchers have discovered that physical warmth affects our judgment of others because the same brain regions that represent bodily states such as warmth also respond to their psychological equivalents like trust.

In an experiment conducted by Lawrence Williams and John Bargh, 41 participants held either an iced coffee or a hot coffee for 10 to 15 seconds while traveling in an elevator to a psychology lab. According to the British Psychological Society, “Once upstairs, the participants assessed two cars (to distract them from the true purpose of the study) and then rated the personality of a fictional ‘person A’ who they were told was intelligent, skillful and industrious.

“The participants who’d earlier held a hot coffee rated the man more ‘warmly,’ for example describing him as more good-natured and generous, than the participants who’d held an iced coffee.”

This study explains the popularity of coffee houses as first date destinations. Handing a woman something warm makes a positive first impression. Chalk one up for the hippie freaks.

There are many casual ways to Heat The Target. When you initiate contact, warm her hands. When you go outside, give her your coat. If it is cold outside, warm the car thoroughly before picking her up. It all sounds like common sense, but it is common sense with a purpose. That purpose is sex. And isn’t that the best common sense of all?

Awkward male virgins, think of me fondly next time you Heat The Target.

Or, wait. No. Please don’t.

(Photo by makelessnoise/Flickr.)

In the spirit of Turkey Day, I have posted a link to one of my most popular columns here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The final episode of The Shield was brilliant. It was perfect. It was the ending I did not see coming - but should have. Vic Mackey, who always got what he wanted, often by force, must live in a prison of his own creation. I could not be happier with the way the show ended. Bravo to the writers, actors and creator Shawn Ryan. 

There is an ogoing battle in my head between The Wire and The Shield. Which is the better cop show? Until tonight, I would have said The Wire. But The Shield ended on a stronger note — with a stronger last season and episode. It will take me days to sort it all out. Look for a Shield-Wire column in the future.

Overall, there were just a ton of great moments, including the darkly humorous conclusion of Vic Mackey’s crime-fighting career. My only criticism is that I would have liked to have seen the Dutch versus the serial killer kid plotline play out more. I felt like it got short shrift. It deserved a more Shield-ian ending.

Otherwise, the episode was everything I could hope for in a series finale.

(Photo by Steve Wampler/Flickr.)

I wrote another serious post, (what’s up with that?), for the political site dipdive.com. Feel free to check it out and leave a comment, even if you do not agree with me.

(Above: Kanye West. Photo by eyeliam/Flickr.)

Grammy-winning rapper-producer Kanye West said he has realized his “place and position in history.” Eager to beat future historians, biographers and would-be David McCulloughs to the punch, West shared his thoughts on what others will someday think of his thoughts in an interview published by The Associated Press.
 
I will get to West’s self-proclaimed place and position in history in a moment. First let me point out that it is no small feat to realize your place and position in history. Most people never realize their place and position in history. They carelessly allow others to add their chapters to the historical canon.

Take Phineas Gage. You might have read about him in Psych 101. He was the 19th century railroad foreman who survived after a piece of iron exploded into his brain. He became famous because the injury changed his personality. Once a respected businessman, he became “fitful, irreverent and grossly profane.” Because of Gage, the medical world learned that the frontal lobes of the brain affect personality and behavior.

Gage’s place and position in history is that he was a normal guy who took a shot of steel to the brain and became a foul-mouthed ass.

That is not a flattering legacy. I have to credit West with having the forethought to make a preemptive strike before suffering an industrial accident. No one will ever say, “Kanye West did not attempt to establish his place and position in history before the lathe incident.”

(Above: Every rapper’s worst nightmare. Photo by Gadget Guru/Flickr.)

Here is what West had to say. About himself. And history. Out loud. With people listening. “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice.”

With all due respect to West and his musical abilities, he has laid claim to a title that does not exist. There is no such thing as the voice of a generation. A real voice of a generation – if such a thing existed – would be intelligent enough to know that one person cannot embody the hopes and realities of tens of millions of individuals. How about this for a comparison? Kanye West claiming to be the voice of a generation is like one Web site claiming to be the voice of the Internet. Unless that Web site has porn, poker, fantasy football, a place where your friends can upload their photos and news headlines written by Matt Drudge … I am not even going to finish that thought. I think I just invented The Joe Donatelli Column 2.0.

The voice of a generation idea is a ridiculous one. Only when everyone in a generation thinks the same way, and the voice thinks exactly like everyone in that generation, can there be a voice of a generation. Any generation with a singular voice, a generation devoid of individuality, diversity and creative friction, would go down as the dumbest, most unthinking generation in human history. The voice of such a generation would have to be a cult leader, despot or “American Idol” host.

I believe that there are people who are voices of their generation, people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Hunter S. Thompson and The Beatles. I do not think West does not deserves such status. In the same interview West said the following. Audibly. At a volume that allowed others to hear. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

In other words, he finally is realizing that you cannot think thoughts and have them magically transform into reality.

West is 31 years old.

Let us take one last look at that first quote, if only because there are parts of my brain that have not exploded yet. “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice.”

Not only did West realize his place in history, he also realized his position. A place, as West refers to it, is defined by Merriam-Webster as “status.” A position, as West refers to it, is defined by Merriam-Webster as “status.” This means West has realized both his status and his status in history.

The so-called voice of a generation really ought to be more careful with his words.