Archive for April, 2008

April 27th, 2008

Can money buy happiness?

This week’s column topic comes from my younger brother Dan Donatelli (no relation). Dan forwarded me a Reuters article entitled Money buys happiness – if you spend it on someone else. The headline is drawn from the conclusion reached by a group of researchers from the University of British Columbia (Go Thunderbirds!) and Harvard Business School (Go ThunderCaseMethods!)

According to the researchers, none of whom I’m guessing owns a Lamborghini Diablo, spending as little as $5 a day on someone else could significantly boost the giver’s happiness. Researchers asked 600 American volunteers to rate their happiness, report their income and detail their spending including bills, gifts for themselves, gifts for others and donations to charity.

“Regardless of how much income each person made, those who spent money on others reported greater happiness, while those who spent more on themselves did not,” said Elizabeth Dunn, a psychologist at the University of British Columbia whom I picture in my head as a bookish 30-something brunette who has been waiting her whole life to meet a man like me.

(Above: What Elizabeth Dunn looks like in my head. She bears a striking resemblence to actress Sabrina Lloyd.)

The researchers also surveyed 16 employees at a Boston company before and after they received a profit-sharing bonus between $3,000 and $8,000. Because I have only worked for old or failing media companies, I had to look up the term “profit-sharing bonus.” But before I could do that, I had to look up the term “profit.” But before I could do that, I had to change the rubber-band-wrapped Ziploc bags I wear in place of shoes.

For the record, profit-sharing bonuses are how companies reward workers when the company succeeds. And rubber-band-wrapped Ziploc bags are what a journalist wears when he’s being chased from a back-alley milk crate toilet by a pack of stray dogs.

In the journal Science the researchers wrote, “Employees who devoted more of their bonus to pro-social spending experienced greater happiness after receiving the bonus, and the manner in which they spent that bonus was a more important predictor of their happiness than the size of the bonus itself.”

In a third part of the study, the researchers also gave participants $5 or $20. Those who spent money on someone or something else reported feeling happier about it.

“These findings suggest that very minor alterations in spending allocations – as little as $5 – may be enough to produce real gains in happiness on a given day,” Dunn said, her eyeglasses no doubt perched at the tip of her button nose, her hair probably slightly disheveled from a long day of field research, the top button of her blouse most likely undone, offering a man a glimpse of heaven on earth.

The researchers concluded – and I agree – that when we freely spend money on other people or good causes, it makes us feel good.

All of which led me to a second study. (I promise this will all make sense in the end.)

In a Los Angeles Times article with the headline Study finds happiness lowest at mid-life, staff writer Denise Gellene writes about new research that found that “happiness over the course of a lifetime follows a universal curve in which the greatest bliss occurs at the beginning and end of life, while misery dominates middle age.”

The study was conducted by economists Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick in England and David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College, both of whom probably had their shot at the lovely Elizabeth Dunn as undergrads and are now recklessly determined to sabotage our love. Their study, which was published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, set out to look at the relationship between age and happiness.

The researchers found that in the United States happiness reached its lowest point around age 40 in women and age 50 in men. Researchers were perplexed by the results.

From the article:

Oswald said it was possible that in midlife people learn to accept their strengths and weaknesses and abandon unrealistic aspirations. Another possibility is that cheerful people live longer, driving the curve higher. Another explanation is that older people learn to count their blessings as their peers die, Oswald said. “It’s a mystery,” he said. “There seems to be something inside human beings that is unexplained by life events.”

My first thought was, “Fifty is the age when a man’s boner starts to fade, a problem that would affect both sexes.” But there are pills for that nowadays. So the theory doesn’t stick. This issue goes beyond boners.

God, I love writing.

Here’s my new theory. The young are happy because they’re young. It’s in their nature. The elderly are happy because – assuming they succeed financially, and most do – they can spend money on others, mainly in the form of rock candy. Spending on others is not the whole reason they’re happy, but as the first study concluded, it definitely counts.

Working people have less money to spend on doing good. April 23 was Tax Freedom Day, the theoretical day when you stop working for the government and start working for yourself. Much of your tax money is collected in the name of helping others. But under this arrangement, no one gets to feel good about it, with the possible exception of James Carville, whom I happen to believe is controlled by a smaller James Carville sitting at a tiny futuristic computer bank inside the main James Carville’s chest.

(Above: The smaller of the James Carvilles.)

The American philosopher Samuel Roy Hagar once said, “You’ve got to give to live.” In the U.S. today, the only people who can afford to “live” are the elderly. I can’t wait that long for the fetching Elizabeth Dunn and I to be happy.

Do you have a column idea? E-mail it to me at joedonatellicolumn@gmail.com.

(To hear Mike, Sean, guest Chris Mosier and me talk about this column on The Second Column podcast on iTunes, click here.)


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April 25th, 2008

This week’s podcast


We recorded this week’s Second Column podcast with comedian Chris Mosier last night. It’s easily one of our best. Just thought you all should know. The column and podcast will be posted on Sunday.


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April 23rd, 2008

A ‘Small Town, Big Headline’ I missed

Thanks to reader Sarah Brown, who spotted this gem:


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April 20th, 2008

Lies, deception and betrayal at Trader Joe’s


Trader Joe’s is a Southern California-based grocery store chain that specializes in gourmet, organic and specialty foods. Maybe you have one near you. Maybe you don’t. How the hell would I know? Answer: I wouldn’t.

I tend to go to Trader Joe’s when I want to purchase food and drink for special occasions. On this particular evening, I planned on watching the conclusion of season three of “The Wire” on DVD. The only proper way to conclude one of the greatest seasons in television history, I thought, was with a bottle of Napa red and a flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta cheese. Did I mention I don’t have a girlfriend? What gave it away? Answer: Everything.

The checkout girl was the usual sort you find at Trader Joe’s – cute and friendly and chatty. If Trader Joe’s employs ugly, silent brooders – the type with a score to settle – they’re not in front with the public. They’re kept in the back with the raw meats. Up front it’s all talk-talk-talk and nicey-nice and “have a great day, sir.” In the back, if I had to guess, they’re sawing off shotguns, drawing on maps and worshipping Santeria. Do I have proof of this? No. Why do I think it’s true? Answer: There must be balance.

My checkout girl – we’ll call her Betsy – picked up my delicious flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta and scanned it. Then she made a bold move – a move she would soon and forever regret. “This is one of my favorites,” she said. I immediately responded, “What side dishes would you recommend?” I’m big on side dishes. Side dishes and dipping sauces. Is variety the spice of life? Yes. If variety is not the spice of life, then why is there so much variety? Answer: Exactly.

Betsy blinked. It was a silent blink of epic proportions. She had been caught in a lie. We both knew it. She couldn’t think of what side dish she had enjoyed with her delicious flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta because she had never eaten said brand of delicious flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta. Or had she just imagined it, like Hillary with the sniper fire? Who lies about delicious flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta? What did Betsy stand to gain? Answer: Me. I’m one cool bowl of spumoni. In a way, I could not blame her. But in a different way, I could.

(Above: What woman could resist?)

Betsy finally mumbled “baked potato” before looking down and away in childlike shame. She knew the harsh truth. She had destroyed whatever trust there was between us. She had broken the sacred code of the checkout girl. You know the code. When a customer buys a quart of whiskey, a box of prophylactics, Jell-O and a mop, you keep your damn trap shut. Same goes for an innocent order of delicious flank steak stuffed with spinach and feta. If you have a comment, you keep it to yourself. Take whatever thoughts are rattling around in that Betsy head of yours home and blog them or journal them or drink them off. I don’t want to hear it. Why? Answer: We both know what the Jell-O is for. But you’ll never guess what the mop is for, so don’t even try.

I haven’t been back to Trader Joe’s since. There is a taint upon that store, and you can interpret that to mean any type of taint you please. I no longer associate Trader Joe’s with spicy hummus or pineapple salsa or joy. Now when I think of Trader Joe’s, it’s all lies and betrayals and truth-rape. There is a Vons grocery store across the street. It’s not as flashy, but the employees are discreet. And that’s all a man can ask for these days. Is that really all a man can ask for these days? Answer: That really is all a man can ask for these days.

(To hear Mike, Sean, guest Ed Galvez and me talk about this column on The Second Column podcast on iTunes, click here.)


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April 17th, 2008

Reader e-mail for "Small Towns, Big Headlines"

I saw the “Letter to the Editor” you posted about the Lima prison. Where’s the joke? I happen to agree with the author. The old Ohio State Reformatory (better known as Shawshank) in Mansfield is one of the biggest tourist attractions in the greater North Central Ohio region. Only the Living Bible Museum draws more visitors, and let’s face it … there’s no way to compete with Ohio’s only life-sized wax museum/Christian dinner theater.

Anyway, just think if Mansfield had decided to demolish the old prison. How would Andy Dufrain have crawled through five-hundred yards of Richland County shit to his freedom? Would Tango and Cash be the classic it is today? Where else would I have taken my girlfriend (now wife) on her first visit to my hometown? Don’t answer that last question, Mom … I know you are still horrified.

The old prison is a gem up on that Richland County hillside where Johnny Appleseed once roamed … welcoming weary Lincoln Highway travelers to stop off and and enjoy a cold bucket of suds with Andy and Red. The prison offers tours, ghost-hunting events and you can even rent out the main hall for class reunions (which works out great for my class considering a good 25 percent are next door at the new prison). It’s even inspired the new Shawshank Redemption Driving Tour.

See for yourself: www.mrps.org There’s even an online gift shop.

- Jim Jolley


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